Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The James Bond of ventriloquist dummies

"Lot #3: My Danny O’Day ventroloquist’s doll circa 1970 testifies to my nerddom. He came with an instructional album and booklet by Jimmy Nelson, a professional ventroloquist who was mentored by the ventroloquist master Paul Winchell, so that I could learn how to be a ventroloquist too. (I love that Danny is wearing a smoking jacket and an ascot – like he’s the James Bond of ventroloquist dummies who’s gonna get lucky later on tonight.) My parents gave him to me for Christmas along with a dressing table chair covered in white fake fur, new pajamas and a robe, probably a Barbie with dazzling Barbie outfits and accessories, books and candy. I remember that Christmas because it was the most extravagant one we ever had. My father had landed a great new job earlier that year, and my parents splurged. We all went to Marshall Field’s and helped my mother pick out a fur coat. By the next Christmas, my dad had gotten laid off."
(Aug. 21, 2009, wunderkammer)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Paris Hilton of the squirrel community

"Fucking squirrels, people. Do you realize how many vacation photos I have ruined by jumping in front of the camera of complete strangers? Do you know how many of those photos have become internet sensations? The answers, respectively, are a lot and fucking zero. But this fucking jerk-off, THE PARIS HILTON OF THE SQUIRREL COMMUNITY, pops up in one picture with his top off and all of the sudden he gets to go to the moon and meet Abraham Lincoln. Well, fuck you, squirrel, looking mystified by simple technology that's been around for a fucking century does not impress me, even if you've conned the rest of the world."
(Aug. 28, 2009, Matthew Gasteier, Fuck You, Penguin)

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Rosa Parks of caffeinated alcoholic beverages

"As we pass by the Sparks tent, we have a moment of silence for our dearly departed drink. For those who have been living under some sort of non-alcoholic rock, Sparks was once a magical beverage bestowed upon humanity by some benevolent god, capable of both energizing the body AND impairing the mind. It was a beautiful combination, and it tasted like a bizarre mix of beer and orange soda. But then Big Safety came along and demanded that Sparks remove the caffeine from their beverage, because apparently it was helping drunk drivers stay awake at the wheel instead of falling asleep in the parking lot. Sparks could’ve refused, standing up to authority like the Rosa Parks of caffeinated alcoholic beverages. Instead, they decided to capitulate, removing everything that made Sparks important and reducing it to a gross version of Smirnoff Ice. Thanks a lot, guys."
(Sept. 3, 2009, BreathThru Radio Blog)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Larry King of late night paranormal radio

"Art Bell is a tired old dog who has no new tricks. His show always consists of the same old rehashed information over and over agian about flying saucers and space aliens. The end result? We never seem to learn anything new. His rants on global warming are so annoying and predictable, it's almost laughable at times. As a matter of fact, his show is so predictable, you feel like it's a re-run every single weekend. He also seems to purposely avoid having good and intresting guests. Mr. Bell has simply lost his way over the years, while George Noory (the weekly host) is the one having all the decent shows. Gone are the days of the Father Maritn interviews and bone chilling ghost stories, and replaced with boring shows on nano technology and remote viewing. The problem with Art Bell, is that he's not hungry anymore. He's become the 'Larry King' of late night paranormal radio. Always looking to dodge a bullet any chance he gets with guests like 'Alex Jones'. Art Bell is a paradoy of his former self."
(March 31, 2008, Rate It All)

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The John the Baptist of Dominican sex tours

"Erick is the John the Baptist of Dominican Sex Tours"
(May 28, 2009, Oliver Willis)

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Papa Smurf of Norse mythology

"It’s a well-known fact that the names of the days of the week come from a variety of origins. Monday, for instance, is named after the moon (get it? MOONday?) and was named so by a council of werewolves who felt Earth’s satellite deserved some recognition for enabling their very being. Wednesday is named after Odin (WODENSDAY), the Papa Smurf of Norse mythology, and was named as such by a council of Norse nerds (called Nords) with tremendously bad spelling."
(June 17, 2008, Brandon J. Carr)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Michael Phelps of the reproductive world

"Man, Jim Bob must have sperm that are like the Michael Phelps of the reproductive world. (Why, yes, I do picture them with little goggles and swim caps. Why?) And Michelle's eggs must make for easy targets. As big as barn doors from the perspective of the begoggled spermatozoas, that is."
(Sept. 3, 2009, Mocking Words)

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Glenn Beck of Star Wars fascism

"Obi Wan-Kenobi was the Glenn Beck of Star Wars fascism."
(Aug. 19, 2009, Sadly, No!)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Larry Flynt of kites

"Now all you need is some kite pornography. You’ll be the Larry Flynt of kites. Or the Randall Munroe of porn. I don’t know which. Crap."
(Aug. 13, 2007, xkcd)

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Gerald Ford of the Vatican

"Isn't the Pope just a figurehead without much power, sort of the Gerald Ford of the Vatican?"
(Oct. 23, 2006, Livejournal)

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Alfred Hitchcock of the skin care world

"Self tanners are like the Alfred Hitchcock of the skin care world: they are very popular, yet they work in mysterious ways. However, recently, I decided to uncover the secrets of the self tanner, and I thought that it might be interesting to share."
(April 21, 2008, FutureDerm)

Saturday, September 19, 2009

The John and Paul of debt relief

"I was open-mouthed as Bono emoted about Africa to a backdrop of moving music and atmospheric lighting at Live8. Maybe it wasn't, but it just looked so stunningly insincere, cynical and egotistical. All these pop refenences are particularly annoying: Blair and Brown are the John and Paul of debt relief, this idea is more hip-hop than indie. It's not just patronising, it's embarassing enough to make you squirm."
(May 22, 2006, Guardian)

Friday, September 18, 2009

The Diana Ross of coffee cakes

"The Diana Ross of coffee cakes
It started with a vision, based on the butternut squash ravioli my friend had at Volterra last week: I’d make pumpkin bread, only instead of using regular oil (or pecan oil, which I considered but then dismissed for cost purposes), I’d use brown butter infused with sage. I’d fold toasted pecans into the batter, and each bite would be ravioli-inspired bliss. A breakfast of champions."
(Nov. 7, 2007, Hogwash)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Beyonce of small town France

"That being said, all the single ladies, get on over to France. Not only will you have pleasant discourse with French guys who ski and speak English, but your blue eyes and straight white teeth will be admired all over the country. Consider yourself the Beyonce of small town France. No Jay-Z necessary."
(Feb. 12, 2009, A-broader View)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Count Chocula of shuffleboard

"2007 – Unconfirmed reports suggest Cruise is the Jesus of Scientology. Less widely reported is news that Tom Arnold is the Count Chocula of shuffleboard. No one knows what the fuck that means either."
(Sept. 8, 2009, Ian Fortey, FunnyCrave)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Dr. Doom of the NBA

"Anyone who follows the Bulls will tell you that the team’s biggest and most immediate offseason concern is what to do with Ben Gordon: Re-sign him…or let him moonwalk out of town? The main problem is that, to avoid the dreaded luxury tax — the Dr. Doom of the NBA – John Paxson probably won’t be able to retain Gordan and keep everybody on the current roster."
(May 5, 2009, Matt McHale, By the Horns)

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Mick Jagger of economic sectors

"Manufacturing is the Mick Jagger of economic sectors -- sexy for being decidedly unsexy. Almost everyone wants to see more manufacturing, especially if the products being manufactured are either 'green' or 'high tech.'"
(Aug. 24, 2009, Joe Weisenthal, The Business Insider)

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The RuPaul of NHL bottom feeders

"Talk about a matchup of second half fire-breathers. Vancouver was able to steal the division from Calgary. St. Louis was the RuPaul of NHL bottom feeders and then skyrocketed into 6th place. I don't much care for the Canucks at all to be quite frank. That being said..."
(April 28, 2009, Admiral Rusty T. Shackleford, DDS)

Friday, September 11, 2009

The Mel Gibson of canines

"Pugsley had his Senior Wellness checkup this weekend and I'm happy to report the Dr. said he is healthy as can be with a very strong heart. As we waited to be seen Pugsley wooed everyone in the waiting room by performing tricks like High Fives and Play Deads. He will do anything for attention and boy does he know how to get it. He is the Mel Gibson of canines. One lady gave him a treat from a jar on the counter, another one gave him belly rubs and kisses, and the receptionist gave him a free toy. It's amazing the way he can work a room. I swear he must have been a Playboy in a former life."
(April 17, 2005, Pugsplace)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Yogi Berra of physicists

"A month later and Google around $260. Allows one to better analyze the above comments. As Neils Bohr, the Yogi Berra of physicists, said, 'It’s difficult to predict things, especially the future.'"
(Nov. 22, 2008, TechCrunch)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Posh Spice of fishies

"One of my fishies is bulimic. Everything it eats it immediately spits out again. It is a skinny little fish and I can see its bones (and its intestinal tract, and some other organs too!). Its fins are all ratty-looking. It's on its last legs (... fins) but it's been this way for about three months now. It is the Posh Spice of fishies, but without the breast implants or squeaky-voiced football-player."
(July 28, 2006, Very Nice Things)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Marge Simpson of junkie retro soul

"(Is there a TMZ video of anyone else arranging her hair in public? Winehouse is the Marge Simpson of junkie retro soul.)"
(March 3, 2008, Sasha Frere-Jones, New Yorker)

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Diablo Cody of pastry chefs

"Dahlia Jurgensen the Diablo Cody of Pastry Chefs"
(May 27, 2009,

Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Archie Bunker of mixed martial arts

"Don Frye is like the Archie Bunker of MMA. Gotta love that guy!"
(July 23, 2009, Cage Potato)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

The Keanu Reeves of meat parts

"I confess I felt a giant EWWW, which is somewhat hypocritical, for I do not scruple to cook me up a pig loin. But the loins are so much less…expressive. They’re like the Keanu Reeves of meat parts. And that’s the way it has to be, I do not want my meat trying to emote, or express, or nail the scene. The scene in which they look at me from their frozen plastic baggie with such horror. Actually, not horror as much as…surprise and disappointment. 'Why did you do it? Why? Did I not snuffle enough truffles?'"
(Jan. 8, 2009, Mango Hedgehog)

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Darth Vader of the entire insect world

"And what an Ant! The Darth Vader of the entire insect world, Cephalotes atratus, inhabits the canopy of the tropical forest systems of Central and South America. That’s a long way up and if an ant was to fall it would lead to almost certain death on the floor of the forest. Either that or a trip that would make The Incredible Journey look like a walk in the park, but one which would probably be impossible due to the lack of chemical trails to guide the ant back home."
(April 15, 2009, Webphemera)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Jack Kevorkian of houseplants

"Every plant I touch winds up dead. I’m the Jack Kervorkian of houseplants. I’m equally deadly to outdoor plants but outdoor plants have a distinct advantage in that sometimes Mother Nature steps in and gives them a fighting chance. All that being said, I love to cook and have always had this (insane) idea that I need to start an herb garden. Nothing fancy, just the basics. I have two additional things working against me – I live in a Northern climate and I have two cats that I swear have pica. Really it’s just the older one, but I think he’s teaching the new kitten to eat non-food things. Like velcro. :: stare :: So I need something that will fit on a windowsill."
(March 15, 2009, Frick on a Stick)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Poochie of health insurance

"Tonik is the rad, x-treme! lifestyle health insurance for young people who can't afford regular insurance—sort of the Poochie of health insurance, except it's not going to go away. Aasma wrote to us to let us know that when she signed up for it over the weekend, she got a nasty surprise after she submitted her credit card information."
(Oct. 13, 2008, Chris Walters, The Consumerist)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Ellen Pompeo of amiable but sulky male leads

"Like 'Grey's,' the series begins with a moody voiceover, this one delivered by Ron Livingston, the Ellen Pompeo of amiable but sulky male leads: 'Being an astronaut is all about control. From the walk to the launchpad to the final touchdown, you don't want surprises.' Doesn't that sound just like Mer, our favorite spewer of sweeping emotional generalities?"
(July 30, 2009, Heather Havrilesky, Salon)