Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Seth Rogen of the retail industry

"But why? With the steady drumbeat of gloom and doom dominating headlines and cable news channels, Americans needed a distraction, and a laughable one at that. Think of the Snuggie as the Seth Rogen of the retail industry: an unattractive but lovable loser who ends up with the girl."
(July 4, 2010, Jason Jack's Portfolio)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Thor of baseball

"Albert Pujols is like the Thor of baseball"
(Aug. 22, 2010, Viva El Birdos)

Friday, October 29, 2010

The Judas Iscariot of custards

"I know the word 'frugal' has been mentioned on this blog. That is definitely a primary value of mine, but not on Easter (or Christmas or Saturday mornings.) Lemon curd contains warehouses full of eggs and butter, isn’t eaten for nutritional value, and is, in fact, quite sinful. The Judas Iscariot of custards."
(April 11, 2009, In Praise of Leftovers)

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Juliette Lewis of programming languages

"Objective-C is the Juliette Lewis of programming languages: weird-looking but still, y'know, kinda sexy."
(May 22, 2009, Jen Oslislo, Twitter)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Helen Mirren of punctuation

"Get yourself a copy of 'Eats, Shoots, and Leaves'. I think author Lynne Truss is the Helen Mirren of punctuation. I’m not sure what that means, but it’s good."
(Sept. 24, 2010, Stephanie Moulton Sarkis)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Smokey the Bear of soup in toilets

"And I’ll be the Smokey the Bear of soup in toilets from now on:

Remember, only YOU can prevent soup from going in toilets."
(Sept. 16, 2006, Carol Browne)

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Karen Carpenter of Psalms

"I read psalm 88 and psalm 89 this morning. These two back-to-back psalms seem like Danny Devito and Arnold Swartzenegger in the movie Twins. Scholars think they are connected but it is hard to tell by just reading them. Psalm 88 is dark and depressing. God is far off and the writer sounds almost suicidal as he proclaims, 'darkness is my closest friend.' Psalm 88 sounds more like a Metallica ballad than scripture. By contrast, Psalm 89 is perky and praisey. It is the Karen Carpenter of Psalms - syrupy sweet and filled to the rim with flowery phrases of deity and doctrine. Both are difficult to swallow."
(March 18, 2010, Holy Smoke)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Jerry Rice of flight attendants

"Randy Lauson is without question the best flight attendant I’ve ever seen. He is without peer. He is the Jerry Rice of flight attendants, the Lawrence Olivier, the Justin Bieber (I kid, I kid)."
(April 27, 2010, Jay Baer, Convince & Convert)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Richard III of fictional police officers

"Iles primarily seems intent on preserving the criminal status quo and protecting a young prostitute whom he patronizes. 'Pay Days' is filled with intrigues, shifting loyalties and action. However, it is the droll, offbeat dialogue and extraordinary characterizations that make this novel stand out. The Machiavellian Iles -- the Richard III of fictional police officers -- is a remarkable person to watch and hear. Iles despises most people, 'many for being undifferent from themselves.' He spends much of the novel protecting and undermining his own superior, Chief Lane, whom he praises in oxymoron: 'His soul I prize and his future I know will be hallowed and banal.’ Iles teeters on the edge of violence, culminating in a fine performance on the occasion of a fellow officer’s funeral."
(Aug. 24, 2010, Doug Levin, Levin at Large)

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Albert Pujols of having problems

"When you're pitching a perfect game, you don't walk Albert Pujols, and you are the Albert Pujols of having problems."
(Oct. 21, 2010, Jack Donaghy, "Reaganing," 30 Rock)

The Luke Skywalker of making out

"I caught on to kissin' pretty quick though. I was the Luke Skywalker of making out. By the end of my senior year I was bullseyein' fat chicks resembling womp rats no wider than two meters. That's a little private joke between me and everyone else who isn't getting laid tonight."
(Aug. 29, 2010, Almost Standing)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Sharon Stone of sandwich consumption

"MENACING. And apparently 'sexy' too, which basically makes Mischa Barton the Sharon Stone of sandwich consumption. Seriously, how can you say no to that? Oh wait, I forgot."
(Feb. 9, 2010, Michael Seth Novick, Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Dr. Evil of vibrators

"If the Hitachi Magic Wand is the Dr. Evil of vibrators (but in a good way), then I proclaim the Acuvibe Mini its loveable Mini-Me."
(May 16, 2009, Rosemary's Red Box)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Diane Lane of mall art gallery cashiers

"WOMEN...actually, this only happened once, but I thought that if I just put 'WOMAN' for this heading, I'd sound like Animal from 'The Muppets'. So when I was in college, there was an art gallery at the local mall(because that's the OBVIOUS place for a fine art gallery). And one day I was at the mall by myself, and wandered in there to look around. As I turned to leave, I saw her. And she was magnificent. Striking. Stunning. I'll put it this way....if Diane Lane was wearing 1994 clothing, and working in an art gallery in a mall, this would have been comparable. This girl was the Diane Lane of mall art gallery cashiers."
(June 5, 2008, Min Mith Jesus)

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Vanilla Ice of the ninja world

"You know what? FUCK nunchuks. They’re common as shit but everyone thinks they’re 'cool'. They’re like the Vanilla Ice of the ninja world. (Tong fa are Ice Fucking Cube, okay?)"
(Aug. 23, 2010, Then Fuck You, Jack)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Peyton Manning of neuro-oncology

"Dr. Karen Fink, neuro-oncologist – Dr. Fink is the quarterback for my team, and she happens to be the Peyton Manning of neuro-oncology. Please pray for her as she monitors my treatment and vitals through all of this. Pray for her wisdom and insight."
(Dec. 26, 2009, B.C. McWhite, The Weight of Glory)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Chewbacca of towels

"16x16 Green monster is nice. Talk about plush . . . . . that is like the chewbacca of towels LoL."
(May 11, 2010, Detailing Bliss Forum)

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Michael Caine of radio friendly pop

"Damn, Mr. Paul Carrack is like the Michael Caine of radio friendly pop."
(July 6, 2010, I Fry Mine in Butter)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Unabomber of pubic hair

"Knock of the wierd anti-grooming crusade. You're the unabomber of pubic hair."
(March 10, 2010, Althouse)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Anthony Hopkins of puking

"It was a waiting game. I had the sweats, I had the look and now I just had to wait until the camp supervisor came looking for me, after I didn’t show up for supper. I must have waited about an hour in that cubicle. Suddenly, I heard footsteps in the distance and immediately started to dry-reach. Coughing and spluttering wouldn’t get me out of there. It would just get me sympathy from all of the other teenagers at the camp, looking for 'brownie points' from the supervisors. Vomiting was the only way out. I heaved. I chucked. I hurled. For that few minutes, as the supervisor entered the bathroom, calling my name, I was the Anthony Hopkins of puking. My audience, though limited to a single, na├»ve person, was very receptive and called my mother to come and collect me immediately."
(Sept. 16, 2009, Peter Taggart, On the Verge of Compassion)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The James Brown of chlorine

"I have the hardest working chlorine in show business...the James Brown of chlorine."
(July 19, 2010, Trouble Free Pool)

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Rosa Parks of hooker massages

"Right, you're the Rosa Parks of hooker massages."
(Oct. 11, 2010, Wilson, House)

The Woodward and Bernstein of athlete dong

"'We are reviewing the matter,' said league spokesman Greg Aiello. We are the Woodward and Bernstein of athlete dong."
(Oct. 8, 2010, Barry Petchesky, Deadspin)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Drew Barrymore of men

"There's a rumor afloat that Robert Downey Jr., the Drew Barrymore of men, will be playing the Wizard of Oz in a new prequel to be directed by rumpled Briton Sam Mendes. It would be something of an origin story, describing how a mild-mannered Kansas-area homosexual ended up floating in a balloon all the way to the Emerald City. Sounds vaguely promising, right? The only thing we're concerned about is that it's being written by the dude who wrote The Whole Nine Yards. That movie was cute and all, but, y'know. Anyway. Prequels!"
(April 21, 2010, Richard Lawson, Gawker)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

The Joe Camel of early adolescent sexuality

"Victoria's Secret contends that its younger line, with accompanying stuffed-dog mascot, was designed for the college set. But the Chicago Tribune recently explored Pink's appeal among 'tweeners' -- the newly created (and lucrative) consumer market that falls in early adolescence. Are "extreme low-rise v-string" panties the gateway drug to peekaboo thongs and push-up bustiers, or are they something even more disturbing? Regardless of what Victoria's Secret considers its target audience, the Pink line just may be the Joe Camel of early adolescent sexuality -- an adult industry using childlike imagery to drum up interest."
(Feb. 17, 2006, Fae Goodman, Alternet)

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Lucy Van Pelt of late-period Ray Charles albums

"At least Would You Believe? and Strong Love Affair afford the listener the luxury of tuning out early — My World is like the Lucy Van Pelt of late-period Ray Charles albums, repeatedly promising to quit fucking around and get down to business, only to yank the football away at the last minute and leave you flat on your back, howling in pain and listening to “Love Has a Mind of Its Own.”"
(Feb. 25, 2010, Jeff Giles, Popdose)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Mr. T of head cold-curing drams

"When you’ve tried everything, when gargling hot salt water just doesn’t seem to work anymore, when it feels like there’s an unruly pig setting up residence in your sinuses and holding frat parties, then there’s only one whisky to help you. Lagavulin 12yo: the ‘Mr T’ of head cold-curing drams. Its like drinking a smoothie concocted of engine oil, seaweed and salt n vinegar crisps. A veritable peat bog of flavour lays siege to the gunk fortress in your nose while the immense alcohol quietly rounds up all germs and has them unfussily shot in the back of the head. Its a winer and definitely my choice of whisky if I have a cold. Sadly, as was established at the start of this post, I don’t got not whisky here. So if anyone is passing through this particular vicinity of Souther France before Saturday and finds themselves overburdened with any of the above drams then… you know what to do."
(Sept. 21, 2010, Whisky Online Blog)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Spartacus of ducks

"I had spent many hours (or possibly seconds), researching the ducks. We had walked by the pens where the anxious competitors were assembled, waiting the big moment when the gates would be opened and the bill-gnashing free-for-all on the river would commence. I had peered into their little black eyes -- the eyes of the ones that weren't wearing sunglasses or pirate eye-patches, anyway -- and had seen the fever of competitiveness there. But in one duck I had seen more. I had seen something there that made me say to myself, 'Self, this duck has what it takes. This is the Spartacus of ducks; this is the Alexander of ducks; this is the Donald Trump and Donald Duck of ducks all rolled into one!'"
(July 27, 2010, C. Patrick Neagle, Goblinbrook)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Dr. House of alien visitors

"I'm not sure if he really qualifies as a superhero, but I'd like to mention Howard the Duck. Awful, awful movie. Great, great comics. Howard was the Dr. House of alien visitors."
(Sept. 26, 2010, Bad Astronomy and Universe Today Forum)

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Chairman Mao of daytime television

"When I was 16, I got pissed off at Martha Stewart for making Rice Crispie Treats. I thought Oprah was far more hardcore.

Times change. Oprah has ruined literary marketing forever. Dare I say, she's the Chairman Mao of daytime television."
(Dec. 13, 2006, A World of Fragments)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Shakira of pizza

"I ate their pizza. I came to one simple conclusion. Their pizza was so astonishing and singular, that either no one else should be allowed to use the term 'pizza' again, or Garibaldi's needs to call theirs something else.

Garibaldi's is the Shakira of pizza. Her unforced, smoldering sexiness, her uindenialable talent."
(March 19, 2006, Mike Martineau, Confessions of a Nice Guy)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

The Neil Diamond of the toilet

"That guy is the Neil Diamond of the toilet. Yeah that is classified as one cuss word."
(Nov. 29, 2007, Gettin Whiskey with White Chocolate)