Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Aquaman of the Democratic Party

"Edwards isn't out of the race. The competitive sniping between Obama and Clinton could trip both of them up much the same way it did Gephardt (Remember him? The Aquaman of the Democratic Party?) and Dean back in 2004. Of course, given the absurdity of Hillary's recent attack on Obama for an essay he wrote in Kindergarden about wanting to be president and Bill Clinton's flagrant lying about opposing the Iraq war in 2003, folks in Iowa might just decide that Obama isn't really part of the problem."
(Dec. 3, 2007, Too Sense)

The Dr. J of murdering people

"It seems to be a fast food kind of day, what with the pizza beef and all. And now Nice Pete is at work on the fictitious biography of Quizno's founder Giugliacomo 'Johnny' Quizno.*

*In its way, enjoying a Quizno's sandwich is stronger evidence of mental illness than is being the Dr. J of murdering people."
(May 5, 2008, The Gurgling Cod)

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Ludwig Wittgenstein of trash TV

"The distinguished ethicist and moral philosopher Geraldo Rivera -- friend of Marcia Clark and Johnnie Cochran, National Enquirer epistemologist (let's get this over with), the Ludwig Wittgenstein of trash TV -- has been one of the most frantic pack mules of presidential prevarication for more than seven months. Rivera Live , the professor's nightly symposium on CNBC, has really been little more than an extended course (complete with live demonstrations) on when lies are not lies and when sex is not sex and when lying about sex is neither sex nor lying."
(Aug. 22, 1998, Rex Murphy, The Globe and Mail)

The Ned Flanders of the gay blogosphere

"Some have called Warren the Ned Flanders of the gay blogoshpere. I think it was meant as an insult but is it really? Who would you rather have as a neighbor: Ned Flanders or Homer Simpson? We may make fun of Ned Flanders, but he would make a good neighbor. And I think the blogosphere was a better place with Warren in it."
(Dec. 20, 2006, Dr. Benton Quest)

Monday, December 29, 2008

The Mae West of fowl

"I miss Butterball Turkeys. I never had a dry turkey baking them in my days back in the States. I loved cutting into the breast and seeing juices flow, even if those juices weren’t there naturally. I read an article recently about a French chef who wasn’t happy with turkey on the menu. He said for the turkey legs to be well done, the breast meat would end up dry so he cooked them separately chopping up the leg meat and incorporating it into a separate dish and then searing the breast before finishing cooking it on a rotisserie. He still wasn’t happy with it at the end. I guess turkey is the Mae West of fowl, a little too top heavy."
(Nov. 21, 2005, Frenchless in France)

The Sydney Bristow of Miss Hosie's fifth grade

"Remember in grade school when you thought you were being all slick with the note passing? I do. I had it down to a science. I was the Sydney Bristow of Miss Hosie's fifth grade. I would put the note, strategically folded into the smallest triangle possible, under my shoe and then casually yawn and stretch my foot out to the nearest friend. Then, at the right moment I would lift my foot and with a tiny flick of the ankle, send the note under the receiving end's shoe. Call me Pele - I never missed! It worked pretty well - never got caught."
(Sept. 19, 2006, MySpace)

Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Brangelina of the lion kingdom

"The Brangelina of the lion kingdom

Ouch. Now imagine that pain multiplied by six and that should give you an idea of what’s it like to be the proud parents of this litter below. Good luck raising these little terrors, and let’s hope some magazine makes it worth your while with a multimillion dollar photo deal. (PS I think they were actually sired by the same father but two different mothers, so surely that could send the gossip rags into a puritanical frenzy?)"
(Aug. 1, 2008, Ayyyy! Gently Making Fun of the Famous)

The Ron Burgundy of the three-feet and under set

"I think he may be flirting with her. He is the Ron Burgundy of the three-feet and under set, I hear. Just watch it buddy. Mama’s got a fully loaded bubble sword and a dull Play Doh knife and I’m prepared to sit on the front porch and shoo boys away."
(Jan. 1, 2008, Blonde Mom Blog)

The New Jersey of the Batman dimension

"The '60s live action Batman TV series frequently threw in parodies on names of real people and places. To the west of Gotham City was 'New Guernsey,' which served as the New Jersey of the Batman dimension. New Guernsey is shown on a street sign in the episode 'Scat, Darn Catwoman,' which aired in January of 1967."
(Sept. 27, 2008, The Sexy Armpit)

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Tina Fey of crazed retrograde gender pundits

"Is Caitlin Flanagan the Tina Fey of crazed retrograde gender pundits?"
(April 5, 2007, Izzy Grinspan, Jewcy)

Friday, December 26, 2008

The Bea Arthur of diet sodas

"Last year, Coke, in the middle of a nine-year slide toward carbonated impotence, decided to bring back TAB. Yes, TAB. You remember TAB, right? TAB is the Bea Arthur of diet sodas. It's horrible! If TAB was in the Special Olympics it wouldn't even get a hug."
(March 21, 2007, The Angry Stockbroker)

The Dr. Doom of my teenage existence

"5. Worst thing to ever happen to you? Meeting a certain somebody. The Dr Doom of my teenage existance. XD And smacking myself over the head with a projector screen. That hurt something chronic."
(April 20, 2007, Livejournal)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Nancy Reagan of giant mutant cockroaches

"The Nancy Reagan of Giant Mutant Cockroaches

I understand that many people have an inherent dislike for cockroaches, especially those of us who belong to the giant, mutant variety. I don't know why. Sure we look a little funny, but we can be forces for good! Consider this man's story of his friend's encounter with Rambo Roach and how Rambo helped his buddy to 'just say no.'"
(May 18, 2006, My Alter Ego Speaks)

The Mini-me of oscillating tools

"The Proxxon Delta Sander is the mini-me of oscillating tools. It's about half the size of the others, making it ideal for model makers and woodworkers who use magnifying glasses to see what they're working on. It's a very nice tool, but not meant for larger tasks."
(Nov. 30, 2008, Tool Snob)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The James Brown of neurotransmitters

"Serotonin: This is the James Brown of neurotransmitters. It makes you feel good (Hey!) and is a major target of antidepressants."
(Dec. 8, 2008, Nutrition Frenzy)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Sarah Silverman of operating systems

"Of course, of quick note, I can’t help but laugh at the Sarah Silverman of Operating Systems, Apple OSX *. Well it seems that this 'perfectly secure' OS, has been proven not to be as inpenetrable as fanboys believed. The only good thing about a Trojan horse being spread via a Macintosh is that you know it isn’t going to spread too fast, since it has to search so far and long to find another Mac user.

*For those that don’t get my analogy… Sarah Silverman and Apple are both apparently appealing to a small subset of people that are diehard fans. And in both cases, the reasons for such fandom seems to escape me."
(Nov. 1, 2007, Triple Venti)

The William Shatner of porn

"Steven St. Croix is the William Shatner of porn, drifting in and out of self-effacing roles. Here he plays Luvana's sad-sack boss in full Will Ferrell mode, and enjoys a scene with a post-"Atomic Vixens" and pre-Vivid contract Lacie Heart."
(Aug. 31, 2006, Gram Ponante, Fleshbot)

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Pepe Le Pew of venereal diseases

"Paris Hilton is a constant threat to everyone's welfare, even minors. After all, the girl's like the Pepe Le Pew of venereal diseases. She walks down the streets, and suddenly all the flowers have died and all the children she's passed begin to feel a burning sensation when they pee. Though, to her credit, the whole incident may just have been one of those classic Pepe Le Pew misunderstandings. She probably just mistook the kids for Lindsay Lohan after they unknowingly sat on a bench freshly painted with whore."
(Sept. 23, 2005, SUPERFLiRTY's Xanga Site)

The Stevie Nicks of Christian black metal

"Is it just me, or are there some homoerotic overtones in the picture above? Also, what's with the white robes? He's like the Stevie Nicks of christian black metal. What could possibly be be all that evil about two young, healthy men in their prime going for a quiet stroll with a masculine horse? Not much, especially when it looks like you're going to burst into 'Gold Dust Woman'."
(June 23, 2008, Metal Inquisition)

The Betty and Veronica of colonial U.S. history

"Plymouth versus Jamestown! They're the Beatles and Stones, the Betty and Veronica of colonial U.S. history: where does America's 'national narrative' begin? Frankly, I'm not sure we have to choose. If the Pilgrims and Puritans were a pious clutch of religious zealots, Jamestown was a kind of get-rich-slow scheme, a dot-com start-up where half the techies starved before hitting on the colony's (cough cough) killer app. Surely American history displays a family resemblance to both forebears?"
(May 10, 2007, Rob MacDougall, History News Network)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Scottie Pippen of motherhood

"Tyler came into town late Tuesday night. He'll be here for a week. First thing Wednesday morning, he hopped on line and read what I had written about Zack's long walk home.

'I hate to tell you this, Mom,' he said 'But as long as Grandma's on deck, you'll never be Mother of the Year.'

I can live with that. I don't think my Mom has a single grandchild that wouldn't vote for her first and then their own mom for Mother of the Year. And I don't think she has a single daughter or daughter in law who would take exception to it. Being compared to my Mom is like being compared to Mohamed Ali or Michael Jordan. So I'm the Scottie Pippen of Motherhood. I'm okay with that."
(Dec. 20, 2007, Casual Sundays with Mr. Curry)

The Andre the Giant of highly preserved pastries

"'Um, sure. I’ll have one of these twinkies.' I said, pointing to an enormous fat pill on the counter. (their twinkies are like the Andre the Giant of highly preserved pastries.)"
(Oct. 4, 2007, Chuck Holton, Live Fire Ministries)

The Heidi Klum of understatements

"If understatement can be a beautiful thing, this is a Van Gogh. This is the Heidi Klum of understatements, the Tuscany of the understatement World. It's awe-inspiring in its majesty."
(May 28, 2006, Goat Riders of the Apocalypse)

Saturday, December 20, 2008

The Peyton Manning of elf druids

"Much to my surprise, doesn’t sell hippie chicks. Or any kind, for that matter. What they do sell are virtual characters for online Massively Multiplayer Online Games. And apparently, people are REALLY SERIOUS about these games because they charge $639 dollars for a Level 70 Male Night Elf Druid. I’m not sure exactly what a Male Night Elf Druid is, but he must be pretty darn good to fetch that kind of money. I’m guessing he’s like the Peyton Manning of Elf Druids."
(Sept. 30, 2008, Jeff Stanger, Carry On Citizens)

The Chewbacca of sports drinks

"Christopher Gruber: My favorite flavor is GUN
Mark West:
Mark West:
Kane Gruber:
Kane Gruber:
Mark West:
where's that from?
Kane Gruber:
Mark West:
Mark West:
Kane Gruber:
Kane Gruber:
Kane Gruber:
Kane Gruber:
Mark West:
(May 27, 2008, Ready Demolition)

The Mother Theresa of Santa hats

"I did the banner last year ... but Olga did the avatar for me...which I love, LOL. She made them for everyone one twitter ... I told her she was like the Mother Theresa of Santa hats! LOL!"
(Dec. 7, 2008, DrowseyMonkey)

The Yoko Ono of Saturday morning cartoons

"The 10 Worst Cartoon Characters... #1 Scrappy Doo
And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of Saturday morning cartoons. I can't even talk about it anymore. It's too upsetting."
(May 30, 2008, Dixie Chick...Holding Onto Those Southern Roots)

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Dr. Phil of pandas

"The joy of the world is a baby panda cub, y’all, srsly. I want to go my ass to China and become like, the Panda Whisperer. I’ll show them how to do it, get a little Ursine Kama Sutra going on, open a Panda Parenthood for prenatal heath care, set up some couple’s therapy and daddying classes for panda dads, it’ll be rad. I’ll be like the Dr. Phil of pandas, only not a complete moronic quack. Hoookay! I’m losing my mind. Gonna go have summore coffee before I embarrass myself any further. I just love pandies, but not in a wacky, 'Grizzly Man' sort of way. Morelike in an 'instead of wasting money on wedding favors, I’m going to sponsor a giant panda through the World Wildlife Federation in honor of my wedding guests' sort of way."
(Aug. 1, 2008, ButtercupPunch)

The Larry David of Swedish indie music

"Josephine Olausson is the Larry David of Swedish indie music. On her band Love Is All’s recent album, A Hundred Things Keep Me Up at Night, the 30-something singer alludes to the paranoia that wards off blissful R.E.M. But if 100 neuroses keep her eyes glued to the ceiling, at least a million nuisances plague her during waking hours. On the new LP, for example, a relaxing vacation getaway 'on the world’s most extravagant ship' inspires Olausson to complain about too much teriyaki and old ladies doing yoga. “I’m bored to death, I’m bored as shit!” she screams in frustration after several days off-shore."
(Nov. 11, 2008, Jamie Gadette, Venus Zine)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Foghorn Leghorn of evolutionary thinkers

"Paul Myers, the Foghorn Leghorn of evolutionary thinkers, offered the following memorable quote a few months back. I preserve it here for the record books. Let the humiliation of ID proponents continue and intensify."
(Nov. 21, 2005, William Dembski, Uncommon Descent)

The Magic Johnson of the Bible

"John Collins: King Solomon bedded 1100 women... he's like the Magic Johnson of the Bible."
(Nov. 6, 2008, Overheard at Yale Divinity School)

The John Donne of pizza writing

"I love food, I love it more than almost anything, so it stands to reason that the foods I love would cause me almost as much heartache and homesickness as the people I love. But thinking about the fact that to put that meal in my belly today would be the most expensive dining experience of my life and probably the hardest I've ever had to work at consuming...that whole plane trip thing and all. I know you can mail order, but frankly, that is NOT the same. You've got to have the whole experience. I have written about them time and time again, but my heart, it spills over with a love I cannot contain or stifle...I'm like the John Donne of pizza writing, I just can't keep it to myself, I might expire."
(July 5, 2007, Falls with Grace)

The Adam and Eve of mathematics

"Within a hundred years, German mathematician Gottfried Leibniz invented a binary system, using the Adam and Eve of mathematics, One and Zero. Since then, as the language of computers, this two-digit binary system has come to dominate every part of modern life."
(Aug. 16, 2008, Online Documentaries 4 U)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Tori Amos of giant monsters

"While doing some very important medical research here at the job I came across this startling fact on '...a 1992 survey revealed that Mothra was Toho's most popular daikaiju* among women, an observation which inspired Toho to abandon its plans for a second Ghidorah film (to follow Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah) in favor of a Mothra feature.'

Holy shit! This makes Mothra the Tori Amos of giant monsters and I began wondering why that was."
(Jan. 18, 2006, Livejournal)

The Clint Eastwood of cows

"The other day, I was sitting in my kitchen eating a bag of beef jerky. I don't like beef jerky, but it was in my house and it has beef in the name so... something had to be done. After a few bites, it occurred to me that this particular beef jerky must have been made from the Clint Eastwood of cows. It was tough, gnarly leather meat and covered in more spices than David Beckham*. Whilte I chewed and held back the tears, I noticed the young lass giving me a look."
(Oct. 27, 2008, Bacon After Dark)

The Barry Bonds of apple crisps

"On to dessert. Reading the menu description, one has to stop and think for a moment in order to figure out if the dish will taste good. It's the Barry Bonds of apple crisps...on steroids and amazingly good, yet completely unapologetic for being the way that it is because it is so much better than anything else. This dish was awesome. So many times desserts are just piles of sweetness, but this had such a nice balance of tartness, sweetness, and richness that it really hit on every single note."
(Dec. 12, 2008, A New Mountain Cookery)

The Count Chocula of politics

"Hillary's positions are simplistic and vapid because that's what focus groups have said the majority wants to hear. She's the Count Chocula of politics. A puffed up, processed piece of sugar-coated air. Utterly worthless, but delicious to children. I would argue that the American electorate is not childlike and if you pointed out how Hillary disrespects their intelligence, you could defeat her."
(Jan. 23, 2007, The Scratching Post)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Abe Vigoda of the super-villain community

"The Vulture (or Vultchy to those who know him best) is certainly not the most popular Spider-villain, or even the most effective. He is, however, pretty cool, mostly because he’s a geriatric guy with wings who can still kick some ass. He’s the Abe Vigoda of the super-villain community: solidly B-list, but when he shows up, you know you’re getting something great. (Yes, Abe Vigoda is awesome.)"
(Oct. 12, 2007, Comics Should Be Good!)

The Michael Phelps of poop

"I also pooped my brains out. A large, smelly, somewhat solid poop that filled up one diaper, and then its replacement when I decided I wasn’t done. Yep, it took three diapers to get me clean. There were wet naps everywhere. I even got some poop on my sock, and then on my foot.

If my poops were an Olympic event, this one would have been a medal contender.

It would have been the Michael Phelps of poop."
(Dec. 8, 2008, Through Wyatt's Eyes)