Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Lord Voldemort of four letter words

"The most detestable word? Like…as in 'Like I’m like really upset with you. You are like the worst person in like the whole world.' I consider 'like' a vocabulary reduction agent. Rather than pausing to construct a decent sentence, the word has taken the place of 'um' and 'uh'. It should be considered the Lord Voldemort of four letter words."
(Jan. 17, 2009, Yahoo! Answers)

Monday, June 29, 2009

The Geraldo Rivera of Jesus radio

"Bob Larson, was once described by a critic as 'the Geraldo Rivera of Jesus radio.' That's because he is:
A.The host of a christian talk program http://www.boblarson.org/
B. A meglomaniac attention-whore with a overgrown moustache.
(just kidding, it's really more of a beard than a moustache.)"
(Nov. 6, 2006, Arcane Radio Trivia)

Sunday, June 28, 2009

The Dennis Rodman of global politics

"Mahmoud Ahmedinejad is the Dennis Rodman of global politics. He is trying to goad Bush into taking a swing at him. He knows that it is not possible for Bush to finish the job, and that if America jabs at Iran, it will secure Ahmedinejad and the Ayatollahs' reign in Iran for another generation. It's a dangerous but smart game. And it is being played against an opponent who doesn't have any idea of what's happening to him. It's easy to provoke this dumb, blind beast."
(Dec. 16, 2006, Cenk Uygur, Huffington Post)

Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Bill Simmons of Chinese history

"You’re like the Bill Simmons of Chinese history. You should write a book in this style. Fun read."
(April 19, 2009, Jottings from the Granite Studio)

Friday, June 26, 2009

The Mike Tyson of evangelical publishing

"Meanwhile, I don't suppose I'm missing out on a lot of sales to readers of World, which I once described as 'an angry, fierce magazine with a hard-to-believe veneer of sweetness — the Mike Tyson of evangelical publishing.' But in the spirit of interfaith dialogue, I'll nonetheless offer a few corrections in the same gentle spirit in which Marvin teases that I 'yearn for dominating power.' Hmm. Actually, that's kind of kinky. I'll stick to the straight facts. I'm vanilla that way." (Sept. 6, 2008, Jeff Sharlet, The Revealer)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Stephen King of hoity-toity lovelorn weepy marriage-destroying doily-wetting British novelists

"Coyote Hotty, Blunt Force Wowie, a cheatinSifuentes, a lezzy Shannon lost in the fog, nerdy Dancy fancy-pants, Old Lady Redgrave the suicidal clown, and the Stephen King of hoity-toity lovelorn weepy marriage-destroying doily-wetting British novelists."
(Feb. 26, 2009, Tremendo Time)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Kobe Bryant of dinosaurs

"Seriously, how did you guys let the T-Rex fall all the way to the 5th pick? Honestly, you guys just game me the draft. If we were playing Family Feud, and the question was 'Name a dinosaur,' T-Rex would have 75 or more of the 100 responses. People love the T-Rex. He's like the Kobe Bryant of dinosaurs - everybody hates the T-Rex unless he was on your team. Ross, no one would look up and say 'Oh shit, here comes a spinosaurus!', they'd say "I have no clue what that is, but it can't be as bad as a f-ing t-rex!". The T-Rex is the premiere dinosaur and I can't believe I got him at the 5th pick. Here's a good video of a T-Rex."
(Oct. 28, 2008, Immediate Regret)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The David Letterman of the hopelessly damned

"Nevertheless, I like to help any local or national group who asks, so I accepted and did my best. Other than giving several public lectures on their behalf, the most successful event was a well attended fund-raising cruise to Canada last year, featuring yours truly as the on board speaker/moderator, with the help of my friend Dennis Horvitz, the 'the David Letterman of the hopelessly damned.'"
(Aug. 18, 2008, Rationally Speaking)

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Buffy the Vampire Slayer of snootiness

"And if Abbey’s anything, she is 100% anti-snooty. She’s the Buffy the Vampire Slayer of snootiness, in fact, if instead of vampires Buffy slayed snootiness, or the snooty themselves, which might make Buffy a serial killer now that I think about it, so maybe this wasn’t the best analogy after all. "
(May 6, 2009, HillBuzz)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Glenn Close of tropical fish

"This weekend I stood by and DID NOTHING as the CFO flushed the 4 remaining live pontypines down the toilet. The pontypines are fish. Were fish. Um. Tropical fish. We have been waiting for them to die for months because a dog and six tortoises is stretching our nurturing skills way beyond their natural breaking point. Their tank has become fetid and green. We were just, sort of ignoring them and waiting for nature to take its course. BUT THEY WOULD NOT DIE. They are like the Glenn Close of tropical fish."
(May 29, 2009, Belgian Waffle)

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Hannibal Lecter of pulsars

"Break out the nice Chianti, the Hannibal Lecter of pulsars has been observed, gobbling his neighbor of course."
(May 21, 2009, Butner Blogspot)

Friday, June 19, 2009

The Captain Kirk of cantaloupe-eating

"I'm the Captain Kirk of cantaloupe-eating.
With a little bit of Han Solo of cantaloupe-eating thrown in."
(May 17, 2009, Photochopz)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Van Gogh of third graders

"You were the Van gogh of third graders -- only smarter. Why sever your ear when an annoying kid’s nipple will do? Well played!"
(May 7, 2009, The Shark Tank)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Karl Rove of Fantasy Island

"Let’s start with Richard. For eternity, we’ve dubbed Richard, the Leader of his Band of Merry Men. If anything, he has seniority on his side. Eons on this orb aught to grant one some modicum of respect. But, that bug-eyed bastard Ben cast aspersions on General Guyliner by asserting that Richard is more of an Advisor – sort of the Karl Rove of Fantasy Island. But – advisor to who? At one point, it was likely to Charles Widemore and Eloise – hence his snub of the two when he snapped, 'I don’t answer to them'. We know he’s been there a very long time so essentially he is the ambassador of the island, bridging the gap between the indigenous forces/entities on the island and Widemore’s rag-tag band of brothers. But, Ben calls him an advisor in the current climate. Given what we know about Jacob, I’m not 100% convinced he is the Leader (I’ll get to that in a moment). So, who is Richard an Advisor to? Anyone who picks up the mantle of the island! Or more specifically, that person the island chooses as its Leader – which I’ve mentioned before, is a clear correlation to the process in which the Dali Lama is chosen. More to come, I’m sure."
(May 8, 2009, The Ed Zone)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Keyser Soze of Muppetland

"Miss Piggy Shows her pork?
Gonzo’s gonzo bigger than Gonzo’s nose?
Scooter is the Keyser Soze of Muppetland?"
(Oct. 15, 2008, The Movie Blog)

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Andre the Giant of office appliances

"The Giant Lamp is three times the size of a normal desk lamp. Kind of like the Andre The Giant of office appliances. It won’t come cheap either. To own this bad boy it will set you back around $2,217. And what do you get? One big f%@king light."
(April 3, 2007, Andrew Dobrow, Gearfuse)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The Porky Pig of browsers

"So I've kept using Safari, which I have liked, and even loved, for quite some time. Except that lately Safari has become the Porky Pig of browsers, slowing down at the wrong times and sometimes bloating itself up into a balloon that inevitably locks up and plunges to earth."
(Oct. 21, 2008, Al Fasoldt, Technofile)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Hall and Oates of donuts

"For the record, I find Mister Donuts Japan's most consistently underwhelming/disappointing fast food. The brand is like the Hall and Oates of donuts: dead in the U.S., still going strong in Japan."
(Dec. 18, 2006, Neomarxisme)

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Sean Penn of Ms. Pac-Man

"Most alarmingly, I discovered this document, which breaks down every miniscule aspect of Ms. Pac-Man with stunningly complex scientific analysis. This is one of the most amazing things I have ever read, and also humbling beyond description. There is so much I never knew. This runs so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. Here I was, just chasing ghosts and eating fruit. Thinking that's all there was to it. As if it's really that fucking simple. And now, thanks to the internet, I can never again feel good about my high score, no matter what it might be. Because it will never touch this. Now that I've read this, I know that I am merely a day tripper in the world of Ms. Pac-Man. I rode in on the tour bus with a group of overweight couples from Wisconsin, and I snapped a few photos, and bought a t-shirt, and went home. Dinner at Bennigan's. A couple of nice postcards to send to Mom. I'm George Bush checking up on Hurricane Katrina. I came down and got my picture taken handing sandwiches to some little black kids, and then I washed my hands and choppered straight back to the ranch for my pedicure. I don't know shit about Ms. Pac-Man. This man - nay, this God who wrote this document - he's fucking Sean Penn. He's the Sean Penn of Ms. Pac-Man, wading through the fucking flood waters, and I'm looking down on him from my cushy leather seat on Air Force One. This is how the internet has changed things. You don't stand a chance."
(Nov. 21, 2005, Demonbaby)

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Benjamin Franklin of intelligent baseball blogging

"Seriously Ken, thank you. You are like the Benjamin Franklin of intelligent baseball blogging."
(Feb. 4, 2009, Cardboard Gods)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The San Diego Chicken of Canadian politics

"No, he’s still there. But that hardly means that anyone of importance is actually talking to him. Warren’s not even as important as the receptionist. He’s a mascot and little else. The San Diego Chicken of Canadian politics, if you will."
(April 11, 2009, Jay Currie)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Ron Popeil of specialized electric household blenders

"Tom Dickson, the Ron Popeil of specialized electric household blenders, has a series of retro-riffic promotional Blendtec videos on YouTube, complete with ingenuous homebrew diction and orchestral library music. His many inedible blendings include iPods, light bulbs, household scissors, and Cochicken - a fraternity-house-dare amalgam of cola and half a rotisserie chicken, bones and all. However, my favorite has to be the Glow Stick version; all it needs is a Shpongle soundtrack."
(March 9, 2009, farkleberries)

Monday, June 8, 2009

The David Lee Roth of Mexican cuisine

"Rick Bayless, the David Lee Roth of Mexican cuisine, will be appearing at Evanston's Custer's Last Stand Festival today to conduct cooking demonstrations while casually spouting off his encyclopedic knowledge of food."
(June 17, 2007, Gapers Block)

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The LeBron James of seal consumption

"I'll tell you why. Because Peary knew that Bowdoin's mascot needed to be an animal that outmatched all of its arctic contemporaries in aggression and ferocity. Bowdoin's mascot would have to be the overlord of the Arctic, the Chuck Norris of the North, the LeBron James of seal consumption: the Polar Bear (Ursus maritimus)."
(April 3, 2009, Lenny Pierce, The Bowdoin Orient)

Friday, June 5, 2009

The Jessica Biel of spoon desserts

"Dorie says to bake for 40 to 45 minutes, or until they jiggle only in the center. I set the timer for 40 minutes and went off to get the kids into bed. I did not even think about the custards again until the timer went off after 40 minutes. Well, apparently my oven is running hot these days, because by the time I got there, it was evident that I had missed the 'jiggly only in the center' stage by a long shot. My custards were not only not 'jiggly in the center,' they were, I kid you not, the Jessica Biel of spoon desserts, i.e., not jiggly anywhere. Which is great for you if you are Jessica Biel, but very, very bad if you are a custard. Because this is what happens when you stir up a not-jiggly-anywhere custard:"
(March 10, 2009, The Tortefeasor)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Michael Phelps of pole dancing

"Felix is like the Michael Phelps of pole dancing (you're welcome for that image). Felix won Miss Pole Dance World 2009 in Jamaica! Watch her performance below. Bitch does some major Cirque de HOleil shit! Who knew that a woman with a name that sounds like a character out of a Charles Dickens novel would have serious moves like this? This is what we need to see at the next Olympics. Git that gold, Felix!"
(May 9, 2009, dlisted)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Judd Apatow of black people

"I guess i have to see Tyler Perry as the judd apatow of black people"
(Feb. 20, 2009, Aliya S. King)

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Colonel Sanders of personal injury lawyers

"I dispute that Corey Trotz is a savvy business man-- he was just lucky enough to be hired by Nahon and Saharovich to be the 'Colonel Sanders' of personal injury lawyers."
(April 21, 2009, Jimmy Blount, truthabouttrotz.com)

Monday, June 1, 2009

The Vito Corleone of fish

"I wanted to give a shout out to my favorite freakish animal, the mola mola: http://bigpicture.typepad.com/writing/mola_mola.jpg I saw one once in the Big Fish tank at the Monterey Bay Aquarium–while the other fish dashed around neurotically, it just meandered around the bottom like it didn’t give a fuck. It was like the Vito Corleone of fish."
(Jan. 27, 2009, shapely prose)