Monday, January 31, 2011

The Allen Ginsberg of being a dick

"Wow, it's like he's the Allen Ginsberg of being a dick."
(Aug. 17, 2010, MetaFilter)

Friday, January 28, 2011

The Magneto of puke

"So, I scramble to tie up loose ends at work and jump in the truck. About halfway to the daycare, I get another phone call from Claire's teachers. She puked again. I'm not exactly sure why they're calling me with this special update since I'm in my truck and still fifteen minutes away. Maybe they think I'm the Magneto of puke, that my special genetic mutation allows me to manipulate the stomach contents of mammals from as far away as ten miles. I don't remind them that I'm not Puke Magneto, but instead politely reply that I am on my way."
(Dec. 12, 2007, Furious Cognition)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Jay Cutler of cities

"PS when there's snow, DC is like the Jay Cutler of cities. #fact"
(Jan. 26, 2011,
Meredith Shiner, Twitter)

The Stevie Nicks of sharks

"The actor showed a photo of a lacey shark. He said 'this is a tassled woebegone shark. Do you see all the lace? He’s sort of the Stevie Nicks of sharks.' He pointed out “there are so few sharks in that area because they have been so fished out of the water for shark fin soup and shark fins. It’s horrendous.'"
(Jan. 16, 2010, Ed Norton, Hair

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Christina Hendricks of the marine crustacean family

"Braised lobster with broth followed in the shape of a skimpy little body with thick and meaty tail. An hourglass shape. The Christina Hendricks of the marine crustacean family. Steeple Jack Chardonnay from Australia was chosen to serve alongside the lobster, a surprising little package with a peach and melon balance and a crisp finish. It’s a good wine. Fresh and dry to cut through the lobster without overpowering the meat, and there’s a subtle balance that puts a calming finger on the ginger and spring onion broth."
(Oct. 7, 2010, David Joseph Constable)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Dan Quayle of asses

"Look, I've seen my butt naked. I know my butt and have worked with it for many years. The overstuffed derriere in those Levi's was not my butt. That ass was an impostor, wanna-be ass. It was the Dan Quayle of asses."
(Nov. 19, 2010, You've Got to Be Kidding Me)

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Jabba the Hut of sweet potatoes

"I got a sweet potato from the farm that was incredibly huge and incredibly ugly. It was the Jabba the Hut of sweet potatoes. Horrendously blemished, absolutely filthy, shot through with weird holes and bulging with cancerous-looking bulbs. Twenty minutes of paring and cleaning, and you'd hardly recognize it. I then thinly sliced it and deep fried it into sweet potato chips. Ron had the absolutely inspired idea of sprinkling them with lavender salt, which was PERFECT."
(Feb. 23, 2006, Livejournal)

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The John Cage of status updates

"So ends my week of experimental 'silent' tweets. I am the John Cage of status updates."
(Jan. 21, 2011, Yoni Brenner, Twitter)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Ricky Gervais of acapella hymnal shows

"Sean Nelson is the Ricky Gervais of acapella hymnal shows."
(Jan. 22, 2011, Killorn, Twitter)

Friday, January 21, 2011

The Zeus of all feta cheese delicacies in Houston

"Niko Niko's is a god among Greek restaurants, the Zeus of all feta cheese delicacies in Houston. But even Greek gods falter at times."
(April 9, 2010, Amber Ambrose, Houston Press)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Andre the Giant of disgusting workplace peers

"I’m just going to jump right into it. I work with the most hideous man alive, no shit, don’t even question it. I know, I know, you’ve got one too. Well, I will pit my grody co-worker against anyone you got in a disgust-off to the death. Hell my guy can’t lose he might be dead already. He is the Andre The Giant of disgusting workplace peers. I don’t care if you used to work with Jeffery Dahmer, that fucker ain’t got nothing on Leon (I changed his name to protect myself from him getting all creeping death mad at me)."
(Sept. 8, 2010, Pat Vermont, Bare Knuckle Writers)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Betty and Veronica of male has-beens

"The Betty and Veronica of male has-beens continue their respective roles"
(March 17, 2010, Ayyyy!)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Chevy Chase of black people

"1) Tyler Perry movies. I’m sorry Tyler Perry had a bad childhood, but that doesn’t give him the right to make bad movies. He’s the Chevy Chase of black people and I can’t include Chevy Chase on my list because, sadly, I’ve endured one of his films."
(Oct. 31, 2009, Carlamuses)

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Jim Nantz of poopin’ play-by-play

"This guy’s like the Jim Nantz of poopin’ play-by-play."
(Dec. 13, 2007, Can I get a wipe?)

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Clark Kent of oxide compounds

"It's the Clark Kent of oxide compounds, and - on its own - it is pretty boring. But slice europium titanate nanometers thin and physically stretch it, and then it takes on super hero-like properties that could revolutionize electronics, according to new Cornell research."
(Nov. 8, 2010, ScienceDaily)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Andy Rooney of lingerie

"Also, oh my god: what if a few years from now, all underwear is padded for butt enhancement? I’ll become the Andy Rooney of lingerie, and no one wants that."
(Jan. 13, 2011, Bonnie Downing, The Hairpin)

The James Franco of lethargy

"I think the Eames Chair is perhaps the highest achievement of western civilization--and i say that as the James Franco of the Inertial Arts. (Or is it the James Franco of Sedentary Pursuits? Or the James Franco of Lethargy? Or the James France of Indolence? Or the James Franco of the Recumbent Arts? Damn, I really have to resolve this crisis of personal branding if I'm gonna not get anywhere with the undertaking!)"
(Oct. 24, 2010, Random Acts of Commentary)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Bill the Cat of the NHL

"San Jose? The 'Bill the Cat' of the NHL? ACK"
(March 12, 2010, Japer's Rink)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Avril Lavigne of Italian food

"Olive Garden is the Avril Lavigne of Italian food. Fine in intentional, measured doses even if it's nothing to brag about or make into a daily habit."
(Aug. 26, 2009, MetaTalk)

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Oskar Schindler of dessert procurement

"Lady in front of me at @trophycupcakes having a Sophie's Choice meltdown over choices. She is the Oskar Schindler of dessert procurement."
(Dec. 31, 2010, Killorn, Twitter)

Friday, January 7, 2011

The Don Draper of death

"The death questions are killing me because I am not religious (yes, Jesus is totally the Don Draper of death. The consummate salesman for it, actually) But, I did tell the truth on that one as well. Now, I have a 3 year old out of blue quietly declaring from the back of the car 'Mama, I will miss you when you die.' I told her that it won't be for a long, long time. And then fervently hope I am not lying again."
(Nov. 17, 2010, Kelli Oliver George, Mom-101)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Kermit the Frog of nail varnishes

"I’m really not a mad fan of this colour, so how I ended up with two of them is totally beyond me.

Surely this is the Kermit the Frog of nail varnishes? It’s really green – a kind of sludgey green though, with a lot of yellow to it."
(June 18, 2010, Just Nice Things)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Hakeem Olajuwon of the Revolutionary War

"Why was he held up on such a pedestal? Because he looked like he stood on a pedestal. Even back then people looked up to him, literally. The average guy back then was about 5’9″ or 5’10″, while Washington towered around 6’2″. He was the Hakeem Olajuwon of the Revolutionary War, of course they’d pass him the ball. If they didn’t, he’d bop them on the head like little bunny Foo Foo."
(March 11, 2010, Tyler Tarver,

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Courtney Love of double-ply paper towels

"I am the first to admit that I am, at best, a mediocre environmentalist. My crimes against the planet are too long to list, but even the highlight reel makes me cringe: I take really long hot showers, for the simple and idiotic reason that I’m so busy daydreaming I forget to turn off the water. I get nervous when I’m home alone, so I leave on every light in the house, and to hell with greenhouse gases. My addiction to disposable paper goods is legendary – I am the Courtney Love of double-ply paper towels."
(Dec. 23, 2010, Susan Goldberg, The Goldberg Variations)

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Ted Bundy of small household appliances

"This is all just preamble for the story I’m trying to tell you, which is all about our vacuum cleaner. Hubby and I got married a little over eight years ago and we have owned three vacuum cleaners in that time. I don’t know what we do to them, but we are basically the Ted Bundy of small household appliances. They actually have little Wanted posters of us up at Target."
(Aug. 16, 2010, Bird on the Street)