Monday, February 28, 2011

The RoboCop of baristas

"I just got called the 'robocop of baristas.' Word."
(Feb. 3, 2011,
Alex Negranza, Twitter)

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Jason Bourne of Vatican assassin warlocks

"Oh my God. What if I'm, like, the Jason Bourne of Vatican assassin warlocks?"
(Feb. 24, 2011, Matt Prindle, Twitter)

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Tony Montana of produce

"I have been working on a new recipe involving a mysterious and rare ingredient not readily found on your grocery store shelves. My job allows me access to almost every kind of vegetables/produce you could want. I managed to score 40 pounds out of 120 pounds total in New England of this enigmatic ingredient through a certain wholesale distributor, name withheld. Man, I’m like the Tony Montana of produce. Buy high, sell even higher."
(Dec. 31, 2010, Two Burners and a Toaster Oven^2)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Dick Cheney of the Nile

"Aye continued in power under Tut, who quickly returned to the old capital and restored the old religion. That Tut accomplished all this before his 12th birthday suggests Aye was the power behind the throne. After Tuthankamun died from a mysterious accident involving a broken leg, the Dick Cheney of the Nile finally became pharaoh in 1323 B.C.E."
(April 22, 2010, Bruce Feiler, The Daily Beast)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Wayne Brady of anime parody

"It is like the Wayne Brady of anime parody. BTS’s so safe and bland that a punch from a cat has more edge to it."
(Jan. 16, 2010, Moe Sucks)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Charlie Sheen of steamed vegetables

"I am the Charlie Sheen of steamed vegetables."
(Feb. 22, 2011, A.S. Paul, Twitter)

The Brett Favre of secular dictators

"After 18 days of protest that brought Egypt’s economy to a dead halt, President Hosni Mubarak has finally got the message that he’s no longer welcome to the party. News reports coming out of Egypt this morning confirmed the resignation of Mubarak, now officially the Brett Favre of secular dictators (a poor analogy, I know, but I couldn’t help but compare Mubarak’s press conference to the Lawn Mower’s televised retirement flip-flops). But I diverge. According to U.N. estimates, ousting Mubarak’s regime cost the lives of over 300 Egyptians. Mubarak’s administration has used 'emergency laws' since its inception in 1981 to torture citizens and squelch all political dissent. His policies benefited a select few of the country’s ultra-rich, but left most of the country’s population facing entrenched unemployment and rampant inflation. President Obama is set to address Mubarak’s resignation at 3:00 pm EST."
(Feb. 11, 2011, Anuradha Sawkar, The State Column)

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Neil Young of breasts

"8. Helen Mirren (Peak: 'Caligula.' Only five-decade rotation representative on the list, and probably on the planet. Sustained excellence since the mid 1970's -- she's the Neil Young of breasts.)"
(Nov. 17, 2010, Kirk Minihane, WEEI)

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Gary Busey of air vents

"The air vents are serious about being air vents.

They're the Gary Busey of air vents."
(Dec. 27, 2009, Cadillac Forums)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Jessica Biel of fantasy basketball

"In a mabeufesque move, I’m going to declare LeBron James to be the Jessica Biel of Fantasy Basketball. As in, she grew up quick and was ready to become a superstar right away. Yeah, and I’m at least creating a metaphor here… Unlike some people who are just name dropping."
(Jan. 30, 2007, Give Me the Rock)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Boris Yeltsin of pudding

"2.) How would you describe your pudding regimine?
a.) I eat pudding sometimes.
b.) I never eat pudding.
c.) I eat a whole lotta' pudding!
d.) I am the Boris Yeltsin of pudding! (whatever that means)"
(May 5, 2005, Livejournal)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Ferris Bueller of temporal violations

"The humor is great, even in the A-plot—I love that Kirk is like the Ferris Bueller of temporal violations, breaking rules with impunity."
(April 14, 2010, Torie Atkinson and Eugene Myers,

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Indiana Jones of the perfume world

"Listed among Houbigant’s early clientele were Marie Antoinette, who is said that when she was fleeing to Varennes to escape the French revolutionaries, she made a detour to have all her perfume bottles refilled at Houbigant. ‘Later, legend has it that the deposed queen tucked three phials of Houbigant down her dress to wear it to the guillotine,’ says fragrance guru Roja Dove, the 'Indiana Jones' of the perfume world and a walking encyclopaedia of perfume facts, always on a quest for long lost treasures to showcase in his Harrods fifth floor Haute Parfumerie."
(Nov. 15, 2010, Figaro)

Friday, February 11, 2011

The Milton Berle of fairways

"According to The Guinness Book of World Records, the Satsuki golf course in Sano, Japan, boasts the longest hole in the world -- an exhausting 964-yard, par-7 humdinger. But the Japanese domination is about to end. Joe Gibbs, owner of Chocolay Downs Golf Course in Marquette, Michigan, is building a double-dogleg par 6. The total: 1,007 yards. Quadruple digits, buddy, the Milton Berle of fairways."
(April 13, 2007, Victoria Robb, Esquire)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Liz Phair of graduate-level psychology programs

"‘What Makes Us Happy’: According to Liz Phair, US Poet Laureate (1993-1994), what makes you happy is ‘all that matters.’ According to this 72 year long longitudinal study at Harvard—the Liz Phair of graduate-level psychology programs—it’s actually more about how you respond to things as opposed to the terrible, terrible things that inevitably happens to you. (Passive voice here, to make a meta-point!) Harvard selected 268 men, who matriculated during the 30s, and traced the way they responded to things—or ‘adapted’—during the last 72 years. So let’s skip all this and get to the Secrets To Happiness, which are (spoiler alert!) as follows: ‘Employing mature adaptations, education, stable marriage, not smoking, not abusing alcohol, some exercise, and healthy weight.’ Which, hm, funsy."
(May 21, 2009, Juli Weiner, Wonkette)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Sarah Palin of stem cells

"‘I wish that Tracy weren't so polarizing,’ says Chuck Murry, co-director of the Institute for Stem Cell and Regenerative Medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle, who has known Deisher since they were postdocs together at the university in the early 1990s. ‘She's kind of the Sarah Palin of stem cells. It would be so much easier to have more rational discourse rather than somebody who heats up the vitriol like this.’ Deisher counters that she sticks to scientific arguments: ‘My approach to the stem-cell issue is to remove the polarizing moral debates and speak and educate only about the science.’"
(Feb. 9, 2011, Meredith Wadman, Nature News)

The Marv Albert of babies

"It seems I am raising the Marv Albert of babies."
(July 2, 2010, Jive Turkey)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Winona Ryder of the sea

"She's the Winona Ryder of the sea."
(Aug. 24, 2009, ryankelly, Livejournal)

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Mark Ruffalo of Ben Stillers

"Paul Rudd is the Mark Ruffalo of Ben Stillers."
(Feb. 7, 2011, Kelly Oxford, Twitter)

The Stan Lee of Californian evangelicalism

"Warren is a salesman for Christ. He's the 'Stan Lee' of Californian evangelicalism. He's hardly known for deep reasoning. So, by inviting Warren to the DG Conference, Piper puts Warren on the hot-spot."
(April 3, 2010, New Covenant Living)

Friday, February 4, 2011

The Matt Damon of stripper poles

"I'm the Matt Damon of Stripper Poles
I made the mistake of watching The Departed again recently and so now when I walk around the apartment mumbling to myself, which is pretty much every second of my life, I'm saying everything in a badly overdone Boston accent and I'm calling everything 'a qweah' or 'retahded' and that is not only insensitive but also annoying because maybe the front door has gay feelings but was trying to sort them out and that's why it got stuck and not because it is being beligerent. I don't know what the door's problem was, but I called it 'a qweah lace curtain motherEffer' anyway(s), and that was totally not nice and also I'm not even sure what that means because if I had to hump your mom and there were lace curtains up, I would think that she was being very thoughtful and fancy and that maybe I should be wearing a monocle as I violated her. Because that's the kind of gentle, thoughtful lover I am."
(June 25, 2009, The Monster Apathy)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker of bad clock management

"Another underrated subplot: Mike McCarthy doing his Andy Reid impersonation -- it's like watching the Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker of Bad Clock Management grabbing their light sabers for three hours. Don't sleep on McCarthy: He's the one who prompted Brad from Tampa to e-mail me, 'Can you ask one of your readers to make a YouTube video of Mike McCarthy as MacGruber? Whenever McCarthy has to battle the clock, the clock always wins. I'm waiting for the day when he calls for a fake FG in the two-minute offense with the Packers down four. MCCARTHY!!!!!'"
(Dec. 31, 2010, Bill Simmons,

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Steven Tyler of chickens

"This guy is like the Steven Tyler of chickens"
(Sept. 8, 2010, Life with Coco and Gigi)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Count Chocula of the literary party scene

"I thread myself back through the slowly building crowd, where the dominant color of clothing is black and the dominant disposition bemused - authors referenced are obscure but smiles are knowing. The man with the white gloves is suddenly gloveless. Did the temptation of chips and salsa convince him to peel off his fingerpants? Perhaps not, for he quickly rolls his gloves back on. He is the Count Chocula of the literary party scene."
(April 12, 2009, Alex Pollack, Gorilla Teacher)