Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Conan the Barbarian of kindergarten

"According to the site, I can take on 30. Yeah, that's right, 30. I'm like the Conan the Barbarian of Kindergarten. That's just how I roll."
(Dec. 14, 2007, SRG InfoTech)

Friday, October 30, 2009

The Mr. Magoo of higher powers

"God may be all-knowing and all-powerful, but He is, it seems, a lousy shot, the Mr. Magoo of higher powers."
(Dan Savage, The Commitment)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Miss Piggy of public opinion

"FoMoCo should probably be a bit worried that eventually the Miss Piggy of public opinion's gonna come back and drop a haymaker on their ass for continuing to stick its hand up Kermie's."
(June 29, 2006, Ray Wert, Jalopnik)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Dan Rather of the sake world

"Oh, ha, but you are THE investigative reporter - the Dan Rather of the sake world!"
(Dec. 10, 2008, Tokyo Through the Drinking Glass)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Cher of the pizza world

"Durkin’s Pizza, home of 'Pizza, Beer, Wine and Rock & Roll' ( is located just north of Custer Road in a Target shopping center on 121. Owned by the charismatic young restaurateur, Michael Durkin – and for the record, I only learned his first name after visiting the website, he introduced himself to us as simply, 'Durkin'. The Prince or the Cher of the pizza world, I suppose – the restaurant prides itself on serving delicious hand-tossed pizzas, signature salads and an impressive list of beers and wines. The food is good, no doubt. I began my meal with an arugula salad topped with toasted almonds, fresh mozzarella and sliced strawberries and followed that up with a pizza topped with just about everything all chased by an ice cold Shiner Bock."
(Sept. 27, 2009, The Secret Life of a Crazy Foodie)

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Barney the dinosaur of southern rap

"The sonic effect is by turns ominous, mournful, monstrous, and naively cheerful. The last of these is especially the case for Mike Jones, a rapper whose litany of artistic trademarks, such the repetition of his stultifyingly banal nom de plume, and the habit of giving out his phone number in every song, together with his upbeat and affable voice, contribute to a palpable air of guileless enjoyment. Mike Jones is not trying to sell you drugs, or take your drugs from you, or hurt you in any way. He is like the Barney the dinosaur of Southern rap, teaching your intellectual white ass above all that there is no need to feel guilty about enjoyment – in that way he’s cheaper than psychoanalysis."
(Nov. 16, 2007, Acknowledged Classic)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Nancy Botwin of Mexican gummy bears

"i didn't know there was such a large market for illegal mexican gummy bears... maybe i should get into the market here. i could visit more often when i pick up my supplies. i'd be like the nancy botwin of mexican gummy bears."
(July 16, 2009, Suicide Jane)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Son of Sam of the goldfish world

"I'm the Son of Sam of the goldfish world

I either have no clue as to the correct care of goldfish or experience the worst luck in goldfish health conditions. This past Saturday my wife went to go change the water and clean the tank and she found poor Whitey was floating at the top. His lifeless body caught in the filter."
(Sept. 11, 2008, Nothing else better to do than read this)

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Dr. Evil of Teen Vogue

"The first of the two eps did have some redeeming features, however. The Dr. Evil of Teen Vogue, Lisa Love, filled the screen with her clenched jaw, wine colored silk blouse, and glacial stare, reminding us all who the real alpha female of 'The Hills' is."
(April 1, 2008, Tiffany Bagster, Starpulse)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Count Chocula of the literary party scene

"I thread myself back through the slowly building crowd, where the dominant color of clothing is black and the dominant disposition bemused - authors referenced are obscure but smiles are knowing. The man with the white gloves is suddenly gloveless. Did the temptation of chips and salsa convince him to peel off his fingerpants? Perhaps not, for he quickly rolls his gloves back on. He is the Count Chocula of the literary party scene."
(April 12, 2009, Gorilla Teacher)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Barney the Dinosaur of wines

"The Barney the Dinosaur of wines, happy, purple Beaujolais Nouveau is embraced by wine stores, who move the stuff, but not wine snobs, who disregard it. Is it a shameful pleasure?"
(Nov. 5, 2008, Wine Flirt)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Al Bundy of Klingons

"Season 4 was the best overall. Episodes with General Martok are reliably good, there’s no getting around it. Martok is the Al Bundy of Klingons; just watch the episodes where he’s bellyaching about bureaucracy or some other new indignity, and imagine him sitting on the couch with his hand down his pants."
(March 31, 2009, Alert Nerd)

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Rocky Balboa of making people feel sorry for him

"Now, no boring, socially uncomfortable family outing is complete without my dad showing up with his super long hair and sarcastically upbeat attitude towards his life that is all the more depressing strictly because he tries to act upbeat about it. Since my parents split up, my dad has perfected an attitude of martyrdom that I daresay is unmatched in the world. He is the Tiger Woods of making people feel sorry for him. No, fuck that, because sometimes Tiger Woods loses. He is the ROCKY BALBOA of making people feel sorry for him. That’s right, even if you secretly trained a 7″ communist Russian super-martyr, complete with drug enhancements and state-of-the-art computer led pity training, my dad would STILL out martyr the guy, then wrap himself in the American flag and yell, 'My life sucks!'"
(Aug. 12, 2008, This is where your free time goes to die)

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Chesty Morgan of golf

"Monty at one time was the Chesty Morgan of golf."
(July 16, 2005, Sport Taco)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Dick Cheney of chickendom

"Perhaps if someone released a range of poultry where they only killed chickens who were complete arseholes to other chickens… the 'Dick Cheney of Chickendom' brand. I would buy that."
(July 14, 2009, Thomas Paine's Corner)

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Hugh Grant of local league pool

"With his boyish good looks, understated sartorial elegance, and an uncanny ability to turn on the charm for the ladies, this cue wielding fop is the Hugh Grant of local league pool."
(Oct. 10, 2008, The RacksPack Summer Tour)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Cosmo Kramer of occultism

"Luckily, money continues to fall from the sky. I wouldn’t want to build a lifestyle on it, but that’s pretty much what i’m doing right now. I have turned from the David Blaine of occultism, into the Cosmo Kramer of occultism. Such is my burden. Quiet dignity is my only option."
(March 9, 2007, Uroboros)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Martin Van Buren of our high school

"To deal with my jealous tunnel rage, I somehow stomped off to what looked like some sort of trashy prom for adults set on board a cruise ship. Mos Def was my date. He, as always, was panty-removingly hot. There were many kids from my high school there, including this kid named Matt who I always used to think of as the Martin Van Buren of our high school since he was very nice, but never stood out for anything. In fact, I remember talking to that kid once (in real life) and thinking to myself, 'I am not going to remember you or this conversation 10 minutes from now, much less after I graduate.' Surprisingly I did remember that kid because a decade later he resurfaced in this bizarro dream I'm telling you now."
(Aug. 24, 2006, Tales of a Post-grad Nothing)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Porky Pig of radical Islamic clerics

"The Porky Pig of Radical Islamic Clerics Mogtada al-Sadr is once again beating his chest and threatening war if Iraqi and US troops don't stop harrassing/attacking his followers (militia). Who cares? Let's be honest here, America screwed up when we had him and his men surrounded inside a temple...we should have demanded the fat pig boys full and unconditioned surrender, or taken him out even if it meant sacrificing a temple. Personally, I think it is time we bring our troops home, but if we are going to have any chance of victory in Iraq, the path to victory goes through al-Sadr. We either acquince to his demands yet again, thus giving him and by proxy Iran more power, or we mount and all out seige meant to take him down once and for all, dead or alive. It really is that simple, and if our generals, if George Bush do not get this, they have no business leading our troops."
(April 19, 2008, Political Dirt Bag)

Monday, October 12, 2009

The James Bond of ventriloquist dummies

"Lot #3: My Danny O’Day ventroloquist’s doll circa 1970 testifies to my nerddom. He came with an instructional album and booklet by Jimmy Nelson, a professional ventroloquist who was mentored by the ventroloquist master Paul Winchell, so that I could learn how to be a ventroloquist too. (I love that Danny is wearing a smoking jacket and an ascot – like he’s the James Bond of ventroloquist dummies who’s gonna get lucky later on tonight.) My parents gave him to me for Christmas along with a dressing table chair covered in white fake fur, new pajamas and a robe, probably a Barbie with dazzling Barbie outfits and accessories, books and candy. I remember that Christmas because it was the most extravagant one we ever had. My father had landed a great new job earlier that year, and my parents splurged. We all went to Marshall Field’s and helped my mother pick out a fur coat. By the next Christmas, my dad had gotten laid off."
(Aug. 21, 2009, wunderkammer)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Cobra Commander of the axis of evil

"No, I blame North Korea. Kim Jong-Il is the only person on the planet who would a) have such a weapon, b) fire it at the US, and c) hit China by mistake because he's such an idiot.

He is the Cobra Commander of the Axis of Evil."
(June 16, 2009, Fark)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Mighty Mouse of all legumes

"Lentilles du Puy. Three little words. With such Big. Whoppin’. Impact. French green lentils expound my incessant love affair with the South of France. I discovered these petit buggers during our first lunch in Provence . It was love at first bite, I tell ya. Upon (reluctantly) returning home, I hunt down these all-star dried legumes and start to dream of the many ways to incorporate such a mini-tour-de-force into our meals. They are the Mighty Mouse of all legumes, a powerhouse of nutrition stored in the smallest of packages."
(July 17, 2009, Kiss My Spatula)

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Satan of snack foods

"Drakes Apple Fruit Pies – The Hub brought these home the last time he went shopping. And yes, I know that they are terrible for you. They are the Satan of snack foods. They are filled with poison that will instantly kill you in horrible ways. They will clog your arteries and give you indigestion and stop your heart. That said… If you microwave these two little golden pies for 10 seconds, the smell that they give off is pure unadulterated perfect childhood. I defy you to not think of the playground and swing sets and bagged lunch."
(July 30, 2009, Chris2fer)

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Michael Chiklis of hot-sounding chicks

"About halfway through the show, after I finished explaining how pederasts are more socially acceptable than pedophiles, a small, albeit very cute-sounding, EMT called in, claiming that Cousson and I were 'wusses,' at which point my manly-side (yes I do have one!) came out, guns-a-blazin'. I called her 'a small, fiery-tempered man, 'the Michael Chiklis of hot-sounding chicks,' and a 'half-good' Hispanic."
(July 28, 2009, Michael Casiano, An Easy Task)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Speedy Gonzales of genetic evolution

"Now toss into this mess the recent discovery that some species 'evolve' genetically while remaining unchanged anatomically. Scientists at Massey University in New Zealand have found that a reptile called the tuatara differs genetically from its 8,000-year-old ancestors, while retaining the same anatomical makeup and outward appearance. The tuatara’s DNA changes make it the Speedy Gonzales of genetic evolution. According to Axel Meyer of Germany’s University of Konstanz, the discovery suggests 'a real disconnect' can exist between genetic and anatomical evolution."
(April 7, 2009, Lisa A. Shiel, The Evolution Conspiracy)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Jack the Ripper of sandwiches

"Imagine me, cruising the neighborhood, the Jack the Ripper of sandwiches, luring them into the back of my van and then BAMMM! You are mine. I will have to go out and buy a new pair of eating pants. I am the new Master and Commander (The Far Side of the World)."
(Sept. 10, 2007, Eggcellent)

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Bennifer of the apocalypse

"'Oh no.', the woman said, 'I can't pay that. Six sixty six. Nuh uh...', she looked at me as if to say "Can you imagine! Six sixty six!". What weapon could she bring to bear against the dark one, the guardian of unholy? How to defeat the Bennifer of the apocalypse? Would she take the road of greed and add a copy of Fortune to her tab? Envy, perhaps, adding a lucky magazine? Would she walk the path of righteousness and simply leave behind satan's package of evil and destruction, no doubt saving countless other innocents that might have to fly with our unlucky hero and then could indulge in a heathly amount of stoic pride? No, that's not what happened."
(Jan. 24, 2009, Chris DiBona, Ego Food)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Les Nessman of the horse world

"This is Twister the One-eyed Wonder Horse relaxing in a patch of sun in his paddock. He has a huge cataract and is essentially blind in the one eye he has. Yes, that is a bandage on his hock. If you look carefully, you can see a matching purple and white one on his right hind leg. He usually has at least one bandage somewhere on his person (or horse). He's sort of like the Les Nessman of the horse world."
(Dec. 23, 2007, Chimaera Contemplations)

Saturday, October 3, 2009

The LeBron James of burrito ingredients

"But perhaps more important than barbacoa’s standalone prowess is how its abundantly flowing grease juice affects other ingredients. Just like a superstar athlete who makes his/her teammates play at a higher level, barbacoa enhances the other ingredients with its flavor and moistness. It kicks the entire burrito up a notch. Barbacoa. It’s the LeBron James of burrito ingredients."
(Sept. 4, 2009, Overthinking It)

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Santa Claus of diapers

"You may have guessed, the baby hasn't been born yet. So, with no baby 'on the outside' we have to make the most of the signs that we actually are going to be parents. For instance, we have a carseat in our living room. That's something we never had before. And yesterday, we were visited by the diaper delivery service for the first time. We got diapers!! Seriously, we're going to have a baby! It must be true. Our diaper delivery is made by a guy who actually works a graveyard shift, driving around the Bay Area, exchanging clean diapers for dirty ones. So when we wake up on Tuesday mornings, we'll have clean diapers on our doorstep. He's like the Santa Claus of Diapers. Diaper Claus. Or I suppose he's like the milkman of diapers"
(April 28, 2009, New Little Cupcake)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Teddy Kennedy of pistol rounds

"45 ACP - Slow and heavy. The Teddy Kennedy of pistol rounds, at least from a physics standpoint. And a proven bad guy stopper."
(May 12, 2008, The Conservative UAW Guy)