Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Kenny of Star Trek

"How many times did Tasha Yar actually die? I remember as a kid freaking out when I saw an episode where she died. And then later down the line saw her die an entirely different way in a different episode. She's like the Kenny of Star Trek."
(July 8, 2009, Topless Robot)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Richard Nixon of lycanthropic storytelling

"Decorum prevents me from describing what good werewolf sex is or should be, but I will say that Hawke’s cover doesn’t feature or imply ANY fur-pulling, shoulder-biting, or hot fang-locked kissing while snarling and barking. This omission makes “Kiss of the Wolf” the Richard Nixon of lycanthropic storytelling: a treasonous FAIL!"
(July 17, 2009, Werewolf News)

Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Merlin of merkins

"Re: the lyrics. Thank you to everyone who took a minute to help me figure this out. I took my main inspiration from Satchel Page's commentary (see post again) and from input I got from Jesse Andrews of the Young Dads. Jesse made the point that prior to the current trope of pimping-as-a-glamour-profession that we know today, pimping was considered a very low way to make one's living. He suggested that I use the phrase 'the Merlin of merkins' (wiki: merkin) and re-contextualize pimps as the whiny scumbags that they were once thought to be. I also borrowed from Satchel Page's idea that the pimp-narrative is a form of escapism, although I don't think I was quite able to reach his level of incisiveness. It seems to hold true: one wonders how often rap pimps get into heavy shit. Not heavy shit like everyday living or even violent encounters; heavy shit like getting to the bottom of life, or addressing the institutionalized violence and oppression that creates space for such a profession."
(June 3, 2009, Father Abraham)

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Emily Dickinson of coffee

"Think about it. There has never existed another human being who is better at selling coffee than Mr. Schultz.

He is the Einstein of coffee.

The Michelangelo of coffee.

The Meryl Streep of coffee.

The Emily Dickinson of coffee.

The Oprah of coffee.

The Michael Jordan and/or Larry Bird of coffee.

At the risk of being labelled a lefty who hates capitalism (as opposed to someone who hates terrible coffee), Howard Schulz is the Ray Kroc of java."

(Nov. 10, 2009, Can't Stop the Bleeding)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Bozo the clown of the CIA

"Was I wrong, Leon Panetta really isn't the BOZO the Clown of the CIA?"
(July 31, 2009, News Music Now)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Cosmo Kramer of Lost

"(Incidentally, I’m sure we’re all glad to see that the Smoke Monster is alive and well, even if it’s only in the past. I like to think of ol’ Smoke Monster as the Cosmo Kramer of 'Lost'—it’s wacky and ridiculous and has the best entrances...good to have it back!)"
(Feb. 12, 2009,

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Shakira of bowling

"I don't remember having a better time than that in months. From watching Irene and her original approach to bowling (you'd think she was throwing rocks) to the bowling clinic that Alan put especially for us (four strikes and three spares just to get started? Get outta here!), to Lynn's outrageously funny dances (she's the Shakira of bowling) or Butch's Chippendale-like celebrations (ouch, my eyes!), it was really an unforgettable evening."
(June 3, 2008, Live from Waterloo)

Saturday, December 19, 2009

The Oprah of American sex

"When Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew aired, I wondered why Dr. Drew was venturing into the realm of substance abuse instead of sticking with what made him famous: dispensing sex and love advice on his call-in show, Love Lines. This month, Dr. Drew reclaims his throne as the Oprah of American sex with the new reality show, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. And by reality, I mean the show features celebrities — though I use the term 'celebrity' very loosely."
(Nov. 9, 2009, Shawn Alff, The Daily Loaf)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Jim Jones of parenting

"My method is the often-criticized but underutilized tactic of brainwashing. I have mastered it so well, I would be fine with one calling me the Jim Jones of parenting."
(Jan. 28, 2009, Coachdad)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Heidi Klum of the rabbit world

"In the C show Friday night there was a large turnout, as some youth breeders had entered in open. Dice won BOV Black. Storm took BOV Blue and KS19 was BOV Steel. BOS was TK, a black buck owned by Trevor, a youth breeder from Texas and entered by his mom Laura. He’s done very well with him (2 BIS wins!) but is cutting his herd back. I couldn’t pass him up, so I bought him that night. And Dice again proved she’s the Heidi Klum of the rabbit world as she won Best of Breed!"
(June 23, 2009, Dutch by Briony)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Olsen twins of socks

"The Olsen twins of socks..."
(July 20, 2009, Sil's Fab Knitblog)

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Bill and Hillary of my wardrobe

"Okay, so, I decided that I needed to buy a black leather mini skirt. It couldn’t just be a regular old black skirt, as I already have one of those and I can’t afford to be doubling up on wardrobe pieces at this stage of my life. So, I decided that black leather it was to be. And not slutty biker black leather, nothing you’d see in Coyote Ugly or could imagine Paris Hilton wearing. Rather, something vintage, high waisted, the skirt equivalent of Michael Crowe’s literary sock, ‘a sock you can really read something in.’ It would go with EVERYTHING! I could just imagine it. Tucking my grey wife beater into it. Pairing it with my black riding boots and Chloe Paddington. The coupling of my future skirt and grey woolly tights would be the Bill and Hillary of my wardrobe, the power couple. My skirt and I were going to do great things, write great books, travel to great places, see great sights. I may have put unnecessary pressure on the poor skirt."
(Oct. 13, 2009, Love, Little Miss Where Am I?)

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Dr. Zoidberg of the Justice League

"It is generally agreed that J'onn J'onzz is the Dr. Zoidberg of the Justice League. Don't believe me? Just check out the Martian Manhunter at a buffet."
(June 22, 2004,

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Bill Simmons of electoral projections

"He built an interesting website, give the man his credit. This has gone way too far, though. Much like Jack Donaghy, I think it’s hard to call the man a genius based on this work (Burrito Bracket, however, is another matter altogether). But that’s exactly what’s going on. Everybody treats his website like it’s gospel, or the latest dailysalad post, as though he can do no wrong. Really, he’s the Bill Simmons of electoral projections. Yeah, he’s still cool, but the hype is just too much. And it’s just getting worse. The other day, he projected the Minnesota recount down to the individual vote (Franken by 27). Recently he signed a lucrative two book deal. He was named one of the sexiest men of the year. Just last week Rachel Maddow claimed that Silver was the best prognosticator ever, that he exactly nailed the election results, and that everyone in America should buy him a beer (all 300 million of us). But really? This should be a pretty easy claim to verify."
(Dec. 2, 2008, Yesterday's Salad)

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Wilt Chamberlain of obstacle courses and Nerf guns

"I have said before on this here rag that no other athlete has dominated his sport more than Michael Phelps, with only Tiger Woods and Roger Federer coming close. Well, I forgot about Two Scoops. Two Scoops, named for the inclusion of Kellogs Raisin Bran in his diet, came into gladiator stadium and basically leveled it to the ground. It wasn't too often that a competitor bested one of the gladiators, especially in games like 'Break Through and Concur' or 'Joust.' When they did it seemed almost lucky. But Two Scoops would march right up to those meat-heads and throw them out of the ring (or off the pedestal or whatever the case may be). He owned the Gladiators. He was faster, stronger, more agile, and he could jump over a car (seriously). He was like the Wilt Chamberlain of obstacle courses and Nerf guns. He broke just about every record on the show (although his eliminator record is marked with controversy because he was first down the zip-line but took the inside track). On top of all this, he preached staying in school, not doing drugs, and giving anywhere from 120% to 1000%. Two Scoops, I salute you. It's too bad you're in jail now."
(Aug. 24, 2007, Danny's Blog)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Tiger Woods of cheating on his wife

"Tiger Woods is the Tiger Woods of cheating on his wife."
(Dec. 7, 2009, Jason Kottke, Twitter,

The Hitler of movie discussions

"I'm throwing down a new rule. The Phantom Menace is the Hitler of movie discussions. Any comparisons to the Phantom Menace are terrible, and only hurt your argument. I call it Qui-Gon's law."
(Nov. 3, 2009, Gamers with Jobs)

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Prince Charles of extremities

"I've experienced some bad weather in my time and London doesn't really cut it on the world scene. Which leads me to believe that people complain about the weather in London purely because they are in England. And in England, complaining about somethign rivals football and queueing as the national sport. What I will say about the weather here in London is that it's generally more bland than anything else. Not bitter enough to be harsh and never beautiful enough to be delightful - it's the vanilla ice cream of weather, the Prince Charles of extremities. Exceptional in the fact that it is so boring."
(Jan. 24, 2007, Lachlan Yates)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Babe Ruth of body language experts

"Initially, we would like to say that we succeeded in doing so. One commenter at a time, we slowly built up this blog and even garnered some legitimate recognition across the web-o-sphere. We received a plug for the blog on air with Chris Russo. We got an exclusive interview with Neil Best when rumors of the break-up dominated talk. We had Mike and Chris breakdown Wilt's 100 point point game and last year's American Idol Finale. We had the Babe Ruth of body language experts analyze one of Mike and Chris' heated arguments over the bathrooms at the old Yankee Stadium. We turned to our good friend Colonel Nathan Jessep from time to time to make sense of the Mike and the Mad Dog landscape. There was the infamous and the Bucket List. We persevered through the end of the Mike and the Mad Dog era. We suffered with everyone through the start-up of the Mike'd Up era. We're still not sure what the new bells and whistles are, or whom the talent is. We tried our best to follow Doggie on a National level. As boring and bitter as Mike Francesa has been post break-up, Dog has been every bit as irrelevant, often trying too hard to cover too many events."
(Sept. 9, 2009, Mike and the Mad Blog)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Curious George of dental blogs

"While I realize my intents for this blog have greatly evolved, I still do have that initial desire to help future students. With this in mind, I would like to point my more serious readers in the direction of Created by Ben, a D1 at Temple, this site offers a plethora (did he just plethora?) of great information for pre-dents and dental students alike. Not only is the information great, but IT HAS PICTURES!!! If I learned anything in kindergarten, it is that pictures make reading so much better – especially pertaining to a lot of the pre-clinical stuff we all will be having fun with. Becuase of the great visuals, I deem it the curious george of dental blogs. Keep on shinning man with the yellow hat, keep on shinning."
(March 31, 2007, There and Back Again...)

Friday, December 4, 2009

The Smurfette of standardized testing

"raybobdotcom: tests are gay
raybobdotcom: the end
SmileyJess13: i was unaware thats tests possess sexuality
SmileyJess13: did i seriously just say that?
raybobdotcom: yup
raybobdotcom: and they're male
raybobdotcom: and they love other male tests
raybobdotcom: you did say that
raybobdotcom: i loved it
SmileyJess13: well if they are all male
raybobdotcom: i wanna marry it
SmileyJess13: theyd have to be gay
SmileyJess13: hrmmm its a mystery lol
SmileyJess13: ((and so's mankind))
raybobdotcom: no i've worked it all out
raybobdotcom: its like the smurfs
raybobdotcom: where they're all boys except for smurfette
raybobdotcom: we'll say that ... ctbs is the smurfette of standardized testing
raybobdotcom: just because no one cares about that one"
(Oct. 21, 2003, smileyjess)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Michael Phelps of the sperm world

"I repeat, a tampon cannot become lost in your body. The vagina is a closed canal. It’s not a black hole into which your tampon vanishes. It’s also not like your clothes dryer where your socks disappear, never to be seen again. A vagina is like a dead-end street, once you hit the end of the street, there’s no where else to go. So when you’re cruising down Vagina Street and you hit the cervix, that’s it, that’s the end of the road. Nothing is getting past that cervix…well, nothing except for your husband’s/boyfriend’s/one night stand’s little swimmers but only if that little sperm is an elite swimmer, the Michael Phelps of the sperm world. But there is no way for a tampon to travel beyond the cervix. The idea that a tampon could leave the vagina and become lost within the human body is absurd. It’s ridiculous. It’s positively preposterous. A tampon cannot be lost."
(Oct. 30, 2009, Loripalooza)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Odin of free software

"For me YOU are saving the world since you are so personally committed to free software. I know RS (yes the church of emacs) as well. He is the Odin of free software. Linus was pushed by Tanenbaum into his success story. Debian and all the authors willing to share their work do such a great job. They shall get all the credits for their work! But you bring all the best of free software to the common world which would not know that there are alternatives."
(April 30, 2008, Mark Shuttleworth)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Dexter of idiots

"I’m sort of like the 'Dexter' of idiots, in that I criticize stupid people not because I’m better than them, but because I’m one myself. All I’ve got going for me is that I’ve come to learn over the years that if I want to do something, there’s a good chance it’s stupid, so I should probably think for awhile before I do it."
(July 30, 2008, Bike Snob NYC)

Monday, November 30, 2009

The Rachel Maddow of the Mets

"Who is the Rachel Maddow of the Mets? Sarah Palin"
(Sept. 10, 2009, Pseudo-intellectualism)

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Dolly Parton of man boobs

"BTW I think you are forgetting about the Dolly Parton of man boobs, John Daly. Again, similar to the others mentioned, awesome talent, but just never got his body in the right shape."
(March 16, 2007, John Richardson, Scratch to Scracth)

Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Joan Collins of interplanetary conflict

"She's the Joan Collins of interplanetary conflict. The filthy girl we all wanted to kiss behind the bike (or spaceship) shed."
(Feb. 9, 2008, Fustar)

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Sarah Palin of religion

"Billy Graham was the Sarah Palin of religion."
(Nov. 27, 2009, Chris Dashiell, Twitter)

The Ric Flair of robot soccer

"This guy is like the Ric Flair of Robot soccer. Totally arrogant, a bit feminine, definitely flamboyant and ready to kick ass. He’s all shiny black plastic and metal and clearly we will see more like him in future events. Meaning, robots with a more human look."
(June 22, 2009, Conner Flynn, Botropolis)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

The Dirk Diggler of shaving tools

"Here are 3 Schick Razors that will require some TLC. One is the Heralded Schick Krona, 'The Dirk Diggler of Shaving Tools', the next 2 are Schick Injectors that have rusty blades still in them. I won't be using any of these so I thought I would offer them to someone who would restore them for use. My intention is to provide them to somone who is willing to restore them and give them a try. If you can't use them I simply ask that you pass them along to someone who can. No charge..Nada...Zilch...CONUSA only due to me picking up the shipping tab.PM me."
(May 14, 2007, Badger & Blade)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Oscar Wilde of the abyss

"While…Schopenhauer was like Freud, a hyper-rationalist in a dark, irrational universe (and by now a hyper-ironic universe)…a rational labyrinth in a maze of insanity…or is it a universe lost in the fun-house of a Gödelian strange-loop caught within infinity?…Cantor maintained that the set of all sets (that includes all sets) is God, or the void for Badiou, or maybe it is a Dog after all… woff…wooff..woooff….wooooff etc…Dog = God and EVIL= LIVE, this is what is supposed to happen when you play 80’s black metal (is there a pink?) backwards…how do you play a vinyl backwards? Never found out…I guess I never will……ok…quit the rammmmmbling… Leaving you with the Oscar Wilde of the abyss:"
(May 23, 2005, Sex Drugs and Post-structuralism)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Jon and Kate of countries

"North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il is now saying that he’ll consider talks with the United States if it can help improve our relationship. I’m starting to feel like we’re the Jon and Kate of countries."
(Oct. 7, 2009, Jimmy Fallon, New York Times)

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Rosa Parks of caffeinated alcoholic beverages

"As we pass by the Sparks tent, we have a moment of silence for our dearly departed drink. For those who have been living under some sort of non-alcoholic rock, Sparks was once a magical beverage bestowed upon humanity by some benevolent god, capable of both energizing the body AND impairing the mind. It was a beautiful combination, and it tasted like a bizarre mix of beer and orange soda. But then Big Safety came along and demanded that Sparks remove the caffeine from their beverage, because apparently it was helping drunk drivers stay awake at the wheel instead of falling asleep in the parking lot. Sparks could’ve refused, standing up to authority like the Rosa Parks of caffeinated alcoholic beverages. Instead, they decided to capitulate, removing everything that made Sparks important and reducing it to a gross version of Smirnoff Ice. Thanks a lot, guys."
(Sept. 3, 2009, BreathThru Radio Blog)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The George Clooney of mascara

"The George Clooney of mascara: gets better over time, continually performs well, looks great. The more you use this product, the better it gets. Tip: I heard a rumour that Loreal products are made by the same manufacturers as Lancome. True? After sampling many Loreal mascaras and skincare, the quality, smell and texture is scarily similar. So, if you're saving cash, check out Loreal before splurging on this."
(Nov. 13, 2009, Rosiecheek)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The smoke monster of Hollywood careers

"Honestly, I doubt Jin's death had anything to do with Daniel Kim's DUI, but I do have to admit it's one of the most fascinating myths about how the writer's write. It's like the smoke monster of Hollywood careers."
(March 14, 2008, Psalms & Hymns & Spiritual Noir)

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Hans Moleman of upper middle class women

"she's like the Hans Moleman of upper middle class women"
(July 4, 2008, Drowned in Sound)

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Joe Friday of the sports doping world

"Now, Roger Clemens will face the toughest opponent of his life, and he won't be wearing cleats. That rival is a 6-foot-6 former college basketball player who has become the Joe Friday of the sports doping world - Jeff Novitzky."
(Feb. 28, 2008, Brian Costello, New York Post)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Dixie Chicks of the health reform debate

"The Dixie Chicks of the health reform debate
(Aug. 14, 2009, Dana Blankenhorn, ZD Net)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Michael Phelps of eating chicken

"Then he gets an invitation from FrontBurner to be a guest blogger. His first post appeared on their page today (Sunday, August 23), and strangely -- probably, both for me and the D crew -- Marty B is straying from his usual oneliners to just plain weirdo comments. In this post, he tells us alien is his first language, English his second. I would've rather heard more about how he's the Michael Phelps of eating chicken."
(Aug. 23, 2009, Sarah Blaskovich, Pegasus News)

Monday, November 16, 2009

The OJ of financial management

"Wow! I always imagined Franklin Reins was a liberal white guy sort of like Harry Reid.
No wonder they won’t go after him… He’s the OJ of financial management!"
(Oct. 9, 2008, Michelle Malkin)

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Larry David of romance novelists

"'For years,' the New Yorker reports, 'people have been telling her to hire a cook. She has no assistant or research aide.

"'Why would you want people in your house?' she said. 'Then you have to talk to them.'"

Nora Roberts, the Larry David of romance novelists."
(June 21, 2009, Stephen J. Gertz, Stats of a Romance Novelist)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The William S. Burroughs of Earth-1

"I really wish they still made Batman comics like this. Comics that seem like they were ghost written by unknown members of the beat generation, who were apparently under the influence of the various narcotics scored for them by the William S Burroughs of Earth-1."
(May 15, 2006, Livejournal)

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Inspector Clouseau of evil sorcerers

"Falcon unsuccessfully attempts to persuade Jurriaan to revoke Mordent’s power over Tarishah despite the acquittal. As she is leaving Jurriaan’s suites Mordent arrives. He chases her but she evades him. [Can Mordent do anything right? He's the Inspector Clouseau of evil sorcerers.]"
(Oct. 4, 2007, Evil Editor)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The George Costanza of this group of ladies

"Well now doesn’t this shed some light on why Paris is trying to lock her legs at the knees. She is already stumbling based on her fling with her ex-love in St. Tropez. Does anyone else think Paris will be the George Costanza of this group of ladies? Claiming to be the winner only to have a shocking confession come out later on admitting she has had sex, but thought the different time zone rule was in affect?"
(Aug. 16, 2006, Celebridiot)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Fonzie of outer space

"Han Solo rates so high on this list because he comes with the highest amount of something every starship captain needs: cool. He’s the Fonzie of outer space, the James Bond of ALTAIAGFFA. Besides, I knew if I didn’t put a Star Wars character in the top five, my house would get firebombed."
(Sept. 9, 2007, Erik David Even,

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Dick Tracy of squirrels

"I like squirrels. I found a picture of a squirrel in clothes (see 'About Me'). The superior intelligence and motor skills required to put on these clothes and the style of dress this squirrel has chosen lead me to believe that this is the Dick Tracy of squirrels. I'd love to meet him or the squirrel who fashioned his clothing some day."
(June 17, 2009, Dear Blog)

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Lou Rawls of self-esteem

"Scotty Conant appears on a Culinary Institute of America podcast today, and I have to say that listening to it sort of put a hop in my step. Does anybody like anything more than Scotty Conant likes being himself? I need to take a page out of this guy’s book. The confidence in his voice just rolls out; he’s like the Lou Rawls of self-esteem."
(July 1, 2009, The Feedbag)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Greta Garbo of hummus

"The Mediterranean Meze was the big winner in the appetizer lottery. Containing house-made falafel, chipotle hummus, feta, spicy harissa, garlic yogurt and pickled vegetables, it was worth every dime of the $12.50 asking price. The chipotle hummus was possibly the best I have ever had. Smokey and sexy, it was the Greta Garbo of hummus. I thought the falafel was a bit too crispy though - they reminded me of overbrowned hushpuppies."
(Sept. 16, 2009, Veggie Option)

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The Mr. Hankey of Major League Baseball

"Zeile is the Mr. Hankey of Major League Baseball. No matter how many times he gets flushed down the toilet, he always pops back up somewhere."
(Jan. 28, 2004, Forums)

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Danny DeVito of condoms

"Kim, I read that and laughed my ass off! Mr. RK says, 'Like the Danny Devito of condoms?'"
(June 18, 2009, Riot Kitty)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Woody Allen of the female race

"She’s one of those women that look ago in some pictures, but look terrible in others. I mean, she isn’t a goddess, that’s for sure, but she also isn’t the Woody Allen of the female race. She gets a 4.5 out of 10 on the ‘Pretty scale.’"
(June 24, 2009, yuhmm)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Krusty the Clown of the giant monster world

"Godzilla is known for two things: destroying cities and kicking monster butt. One thing Godzilla isn't as well known for is selling out. Yes, even Godzilla has to eat, so he'll endorse all sorts of wacky stuff. We call him the Krusty the Clown of the giant monster world. TarsTarkas.NET begins an overview of Godzilla and other giant monster commercials because only we are so crazy (or stupid!) to do so. The current site motto might be 'Obsessively stupid about stupid films' but now it is "Obsessively stupid about stupid commercials"!"
(March 5, 2009,

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Foghorn Leghorn of master criminals

"Sorry Charlie Sheen, but it is true. And as for you Rosie O'Donnell, may I recommend spending a lot more time hanging upside down in that 'vampire bat machine' thing you got. I always like how these wackos suggest Bush had enough of a brain to set the biggest terrorist attack in our nation's history in motion, but can't explain why he couldn't find WMDs in Iraq. Bush is not a master criminal like Kaiser Soze. He's more like the Foghorn Leghorn of master criminals. Speaking of WMDs..."
(April 9, 2007, Just a Minor Complaint)

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Barry Bonds of pest control mascots

"Skip to :024. See? It’s like the Barry Bonds of pest control mascots."
(Oct. 3, 2009, Brandon Mendelson, Soap Box Included)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Uncle Leo of sandwich guys

"I had stopped going to the sandwich store down the street because I had made 'friends' with the sandwich shop guy, and he always kept me there for a lengthy chat when I just wanted to pick up a sandwich and run back. The 'Uncle Leo' of sandwich guys. So I stopped going. For seriously, about a year and a half."
(April 23, 2003, Bryan Adams Blog)

Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Conan the Barbarian of kindergarten

"According to the site, I can take on 30. Yeah, that's right, 30. I'm like the Conan the Barbarian of Kindergarten. That's just how I roll."
(Dec. 14, 2007, SRG InfoTech)

Friday, October 30, 2009

The Mr. Magoo of higher powers

"God may be all-knowing and all-powerful, but He is, it seems, a lousy shot, the Mr. Magoo of higher powers."
(Dan Savage, The Commitment)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Miss Piggy of public opinion

"FoMoCo should probably be a bit worried that eventually the Miss Piggy of public opinion's gonna come back and drop a haymaker on their ass for continuing to stick its hand up Kermie's."
(June 29, 2006, Ray Wert, Jalopnik)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Dan Rather of the sake world

"Oh, ha, but you are THE investigative reporter - the Dan Rather of the sake world!"
(Dec. 10, 2008, Tokyo Through the Drinking Glass)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Cher of the pizza world

"Durkin’s Pizza, home of 'Pizza, Beer, Wine and Rock & Roll' ( is located just north of Custer Road in a Target shopping center on 121. Owned by the charismatic young restaurateur, Michael Durkin – and for the record, I only learned his first name after visiting the website, he introduced himself to us as simply, 'Durkin'. The Prince or the Cher of the pizza world, I suppose – the restaurant prides itself on serving delicious hand-tossed pizzas, signature salads and an impressive list of beers and wines. The food is good, no doubt. I began my meal with an arugula salad topped with toasted almonds, fresh mozzarella and sliced strawberries and followed that up with a pizza topped with just about everything all chased by an ice cold Shiner Bock."
(Sept. 27, 2009, The Secret Life of a Crazy Foodie)

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Barney the dinosaur of southern rap

"The sonic effect is by turns ominous, mournful, monstrous, and naively cheerful. The last of these is especially the case for Mike Jones, a rapper whose litany of artistic trademarks, such the repetition of his stultifyingly banal nom de plume, and the habit of giving out his phone number in every song, together with his upbeat and affable voice, contribute to a palpable air of guileless enjoyment. Mike Jones is not trying to sell you drugs, or take your drugs from you, or hurt you in any way. He is like the Barney the dinosaur of Southern rap, teaching your intellectual white ass above all that there is no need to feel guilty about enjoyment – in that way he’s cheaper than psychoanalysis."
(Nov. 16, 2007, Acknowledged Classic)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Nancy Botwin of Mexican gummy bears

"i didn't know there was such a large market for illegal mexican gummy bears... maybe i should get into the market here. i could visit more often when i pick up my supplies. i'd be like the nancy botwin of mexican gummy bears."
(July 16, 2009, Suicide Jane)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Son of Sam of the goldfish world

"I'm the Son of Sam of the goldfish world

I either have no clue as to the correct care of goldfish or experience the worst luck in goldfish health conditions. This past Saturday my wife went to go change the water and clean the tank and she found poor Whitey was floating at the top. His lifeless body caught in the filter."
(Sept. 11, 2008, Nothing else better to do than read this)

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Dr. Evil of Teen Vogue

"The first of the two eps did have some redeeming features, however. The Dr. Evil of Teen Vogue, Lisa Love, filled the screen with her clenched jaw, wine colored silk blouse, and glacial stare, reminding us all who the real alpha female of 'The Hills' is."
(April 1, 2008, Tiffany Bagster, Starpulse)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Count Chocula of the literary party scene

"I thread myself back through the slowly building crowd, where the dominant color of clothing is black and the dominant disposition bemused - authors referenced are obscure but smiles are knowing. The man with the white gloves is suddenly gloveless. Did the temptation of chips and salsa convince him to peel off his fingerpants? Perhaps not, for he quickly rolls his gloves back on. He is the Count Chocula of the literary party scene."
(April 12, 2009, Gorilla Teacher)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Barney the Dinosaur of wines

"The Barney the Dinosaur of wines, happy, purple Beaujolais Nouveau is embraced by wine stores, who move the stuff, but not wine snobs, who disregard it. Is it a shameful pleasure?"
(Nov. 5, 2008, Wine Flirt)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Al Bundy of Klingons

"Season 4 was the best overall. Episodes with General Martok are reliably good, there’s no getting around it. Martok is the Al Bundy of Klingons; just watch the episodes where he’s bellyaching about bureaucracy or some other new indignity, and imagine him sitting on the couch with his hand down his pants."
(March 31, 2009, Alert Nerd)

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Rocky Balboa of making people feel sorry for him

"Now, no boring, socially uncomfortable family outing is complete without my dad showing up with his super long hair and sarcastically upbeat attitude towards his life that is all the more depressing strictly because he tries to act upbeat about it. Since my parents split up, my dad has perfected an attitude of martyrdom that I daresay is unmatched in the world. He is the Tiger Woods of making people feel sorry for him. No, fuck that, because sometimes Tiger Woods loses. He is the ROCKY BALBOA of making people feel sorry for him. That’s right, even if you secretly trained a 7″ communist Russian super-martyr, complete with drug enhancements and state-of-the-art computer led pity training, my dad would STILL out martyr the guy, then wrap himself in the American flag and yell, 'My life sucks!'"
(Aug. 12, 2008, This is where your free time goes to die)

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Chesty Morgan of golf

"Monty at one time was the Chesty Morgan of golf."
(July 16, 2005, Sport Taco)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Dick Cheney of chickendom

"Perhaps if someone released a range of poultry where they only killed chickens who were complete arseholes to other chickens… the 'Dick Cheney of Chickendom' brand. I would buy that."
(July 14, 2009, Thomas Paine's Corner)

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Hugh Grant of local league pool

"With his boyish good looks, understated sartorial elegance, and an uncanny ability to turn on the charm for the ladies, this cue wielding fop is the Hugh Grant of local league pool."
(Oct. 10, 2008, The RacksPack Summer Tour)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Cosmo Kramer of occultism

"Luckily, money continues to fall from the sky. I wouldn’t want to build a lifestyle on it, but that’s pretty much what i’m doing right now. I have turned from the David Blaine of occultism, into the Cosmo Kramer of occultism. Such is my burden. Quiet dignity is my only option."
(March 9, 2007, Uroboros)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Martin Van Buren of our high school

"To deal with my jealous tunnel rage, I somehow stomped off to what looked like some sort of trashy prom for adults set on board a cruise ship. Mos Def was my date. He, as always, was panty-removingly hot. There were many kids from my high school there, including this kid named Matt who I always used to think of as the Martin Van Buren of our high school since he was very nice, but never stood out for anything. In fact, I remember talking to that kid once (in real life) and thinking to myself, 'I am not going to remember you or this conversation 10 minutes from now, much less after I graduate.' Surprisingly I did remember that kid because a decade later he resurfaced in this bizarro dream I'm telling you now."
(Aug. 24, 2006, Tales of a Post-grad Nothing)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Porky Pig of radical Islamic clerics

"The Porky Pig of Radical Islamic Clerics Mogtada al-Sadr is once again beating his chest and threatening war if Iraqi and US troops don't stop harrassing/attacking his followers (militia). Who cares? Let's be honest here, America screwed up when we had him and his men surrounded inside a temple...we should have demanded the fat pig boys full and unconditioned surrender, or taken him out even if it meant sacrificing a temple. Personally, I think it is time we bring our troops home, but if we are going to have any chance of victory in Iraq, the path to victory goes through al-Sadr. We either acquince to his demands yet again, thus giving him and by proxy Iran more power, or we mount and all out seige meant to take him down once and for all, dead or alive. It really is that simple, and if our generals, if George Bush do not get this, they have no business leading our troops."
(April 19, 2008, Political Dirt Bag)

Monday, October 12, 2009

The James Bond of ventriloquist dummies

"Lot #3: My Danny O’Day ventroloquist’s doll circa 1970 testifies to my nerddom. He came with an instructional album and booklet by Jimmy Nelson, a professional ventroloquist who was mentored by the ventroloquist master Paul Winchell, so that I could learn how to be a ventroloquist too. (I love that Danny is wearing a smoking jacket and an ascot – like he’s the James Bond of ventroloquist dummies who’s gonna get lucky later on tonight.) My parents gave him to me for Christmas along with a dressing table chair covered in white fake fur, new pajamas and a robe, probably a Barbie with dazzling Barbie outfits and accessories, books and candy. I remember that Christmas because it was the most extravagant one we ever had. My father had landed a great new job earlier that year, and my parents splurged. We all went to Marshall Field’s and helped my mother pick out a fur coat. By the next Christmas, my dad had gotten laid off."
(Aug. 21, 2009, wunderkammer)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Cobra Commander of the axis of evil

"No, I blame North Korea. Kim Jong-Il is the only person on the planet who would a) have such a weapon, b) fire it at the US, and c) hit China by mistake because he's such an idiot.

He is the Cobra Commander of the Axis of Evil."
(June 16, 2009, Fark)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Mighty Mouse of all legumes

"Lentilles du Puy. Three little words. With such Big. Whoppin’. Impact. French green lentils expound my incessant love affair with the South of France. I discovered these petit buggers during our first lunch in Provence . It was love at first bite, I tell ya. Upon (reluctantly) returning home, I hunt down these all-star dried legumes and start to dream of the many ways to incorporate such a mini-tour-de-force into our meals. They are the Mighty Mouse of all legumes, a powerhouse of nutrition stored in the smallest of packages."
(July 17, 2009, Kiss My Spatula)

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Satan of snack foods

"Drakes Apple Fruit Pies – The Hub brought these home the last time he went shopping. And yes, I know that they are terrible for you. They are the Satan of snack foods. They are filled with poison that will instantly kill you in horrible ways. They will clog your arteries and give you indigestion and stop your heart. That said… If you microwave these two little golden pies for 10 seconds, the smell that they give off is pure unadulterated perfect childhood. I defy you to not think of the playground and swing sets and bagged lunch."
(July 30, 2009, Chris2fer)

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Michael Chiklis of hot-sounding chicks

"About halfway through the show, after I finished explaining how pederasts are more socially acceptable than pedophiles, a small, albeit very cute-sounding, EMT called in, claiming that Cousson and I were 'wusses,' at which point my manly-side (yes I do have one!) came out, guns-a-blazin'. I called her 'a small, fiery-tempered man, 'the Michael Chiklis of hot-sounding chicks,' and a 'half-good' Hispanic."
(July 28, 2009, Michael Casiano, An Easy Task)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Speedy Gonzales of genetic evolution

"Now toss into this mess the recent discovery that some species 'evolve' genetically while remaining unchanged anatomically. Scientists at Massey University in New Zealand have found that a reptile called the tuatara differs genetically from its 8,000-year-old ancestors, while retaining the same anatomical makeup and outward appearance. The tuatara’s DNA changes make it the Speedy Gonzales of genetic evolution. According to Axel Meyer of Germany’s University of Konstanz, the discovery suggests 'a real disconnect' can exist between genetic and anatomical evolution."
(April 7, 2009, Lisa A. Shiel, The Evolution Conspiracy)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Jack the Ripper of sandwiches

"Imagine me, cruising the neighborhood, the Jack the Ripper of sandwiches, luring them into the back of my van and then BAMMM! You are mine. I will have to go out and buy a new pair of eating pants. I am the new Master and Commander (The Far Side of the World)."
(Sept. 10, 2007, Eggcellent)

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Bennifer of the apocalypse

"'Oh no.', the woman said, 'I can't pay that. Six sixty six. Nuh uh...', she looked at me as if to say "Can you imagine! Six sixty six!". What weapon could she bring to bear against the dark one, the guardian of unholy? How to defeat the Bennifer of the apocalypse? Would she take the road of greed and add a copy of Fortune to her tab? Envy, perhaps, adding a lucky magazine? Would she walk the path of righteousness and simply leave behind satan's package of evil and destruction, no doubt saving countless other innocents that might have to fly with our unlucky hero and then could indulge in a heathly amount of stoic pride? No, that's not what happened."
(Jan. 24, 2009, Chris DiBona, Ego Food)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Les Nessman of the horse world

"This is Twister the One-eyed Wonder Horse relaxing in a patch of sun in his paddock. He has a huge cataract and is essentially blind in the one eye he has. Yes, that is a bandage on his hock. If you look carefully, you can see a matching purple and white one on his right hind leg. He usually has at least one bandage somewhere on his person (or horse). He's sort of like the Les Nessman of the horse world."
(Dec. 23, 2007, Chimaera Contemplations)

Saturday, October 3, 2009

The LeBron James of burrito ingredients

"But perhaps more important than barbacoa’s standalone prowess is how its abundantly flowing grease juice affects other ingredients. Just like a superstar athlete who makes his/her teammates play at a higher level, barbacoa enhances the other ingredients with its flavor and moistness. It kicks the entire burrito up a notch. Barbacoa. It’s the LeBron James of burrito ingredients."
(Sept. 4, 2009, Overthinking It)

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Santa Claus of diapers

"You may have guessed, the baby hasn't been born yet. So, with no baby 'on the outside' we have to make the most of the signs that we actually are going to be parents. For instance, we have a carseat in our living room. That's something we never had before. And yesterday, we were visited by the diaper delivery service for the first time. We got diapers!! Seriously, we're going to have a baby! It must be true. Our diaper delivery is made by a guy who actually works a graveyard shift, driving around the Bay Area, exchanging clean diapers for dirty ones. So when we wake up on Tuesday mornings, we'll have clean diapers on our doorstep. He's like the Santa Claus of Diapers. Diaper Claus. Or I suppose he's like the milkman of diapers"
(April 28, 2009, New Little Cupcake)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Teddy Kennedy of pistol rounds

"45 ACP - Slow and heavy. The Teddy Kennedy of pistol rounds, at least from a physics standpoint. And a proven bad guy stopper."
(May 12, 2008, The Conservative UAW Guy)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The James Bond of ventriloquist dummies

"Lot #3: My Danny O’Day ventroloquist’s doll circa 1970 testifies to my nerddom. He came with an instructional album and booklet by Jimmy Nelson, a professional ventroloquist who was mentored by the ventroloquist master Paul Winchell, so that I could learn how to be a ventroloquist too. (I love that Danny is wearing a smoking jacket and an ascot – like he’s the James Bond of ventroloquist dummies who’s gonna get lucky later on tonight.) My parents gave him to me for Christmas along with a dressing table chair covered in white fake fur, new pajamas and a robe, probably a Barbie with dazzling Barbie outfits and accessories, books and candy. I remember that Christmas because it was the most extravagant one we ever had. My father had landed a great new job earlier that year, and my parents splurged. We all went to Marshall Field’s and helped my mother pick out a fur coat. By the next Christmas, my dad had gotten laid off."
(Aug. 21, 2009, wunderkammer)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Paris Hilton of the squirrel community

"Fucking squirrels, people. Do you realize how many vacation photos I have ruined by jumping in front of the camera of complete strangers? Do you know how many of those photos have become internet sensations? The answers, respectively, are a lot and fucking zero. But this fucking jerk-off, THE PARIS HILTON OF THE SQUIRREL COMMUNITY, pops up in one picture with his top off and all of the sudden he gets to go to the moon and meet Abraham Lincoln. Well, fuck you, squirrel, looking mystified by simple technology that's been around for a fucking century does not impress me, even if you've conned the rest of the world."
(Aug. 28, 2009, Matthew Gasteier, Fuck You, Penguin)

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Rosa Parks of caffeinated alcoholic beverages

"As we pass by the Sparks tent, we have a moment of silence for our dearly departed drink. For those who have been living under some sort of non-alcoholic rock, Sparks was once a magical beverage bestowed upon humanity by some benevolent god, capable of both energizing the body AND impairing the mind. It was a beautiful combination, and it tasted like a bizarre mix of beer and orange soda. But then Big Safety came along and demanded that Sparks remove the caffeine from their beverage, because apparently it was helping drunk drivers stay awake at the wheel instead of falling asleep in the parking lot. Sparks could’ve refused, standing up to authority like the Rosa Parks of caffeinated alcoholic beverages. Instead, they decided to capitulate, removing everything that made Sparks important and reducing it to a gross version of Smirnoff Ice. Thanks a lot, guys."
(Sept. 3, 2009, BreathThru Radio Blog)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Larry King of late night paranormal radio

"Art Bell is a tired old dog who has no new tricks. His show always consists of the same old rehashed information over and over agian about flying saucers and space aliens. The end result? We never seem to learn anything new. His rants on global warming are so annoying and predictable, it's almost laughable at times. As a matter of fact, his show is so predictable, you feel like it's a re-run every single weekend. He also seems to purposely avoid having good and intresting guests. Mr. Bell has simply lost his way over the years, while George Noory (the weekly host) is the one having all the decent shows. Gone are the days of the Father Maritn interviews and bone chilling ghost stories, and replaced with boring shows on nano technology and remote viewing. The problem with Art Bell, is that he's not hungry anymore. He's become the 'Larry King' of late night paranormal radio. Always looking to dodge a bullet any chance he gets with guests like 'Alex Jones'. Art Bell is a paradoy of his former self."
(March 31, 2008, Rate It All)

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The John the Baptist of Dominican sex tours

"Erick is the John the Baptist of Dominican Sex Tours"
(May 28, 2009, Oliver Willis)

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Papa Smurf of Norse mythology

"It’s a well-known fact that the names of the days of the week come from a variety of origins. Monday, for instance, is named after the moon (get it? MOONday?) and was named so by a council of werewolves who felt Earth’s satellite deserved some recognition for enabling their very being. Wednesday is named after Odin (WODENSDAY), the Papa Smurf of Norse mythology, and was named as such by a council of Norse nerds (called Nords) with tremendously bad spelling."
(June 17, 2008, Brandon J. Carr)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Michael Phelps of the reproductive world

"Man, Jim Bob must have sperm that are like the Michael Phelps of the reproductive world. (Why, yes, I do picture them with little goggles and swim caps. Why?) And Michelle's eggs must make for easy targets. As big as barn doors from the perspective of the begoggled spermatozoas, that is."
(Sept. 3, 2009, Mocking Words)

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Glenn Beck of Star Wars fascism

"Obi Wan-Kenobi was the Glenn Beck of Star Wars fascism."
(Aug. 19, 2009, Sadly, No!)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Larry Flynt of kites

"Now all you need is some kite pornography. You’ll be the Larry Flynt of kites. Or the Randall Munroe of porn. I don’t know which. Crap."
(Aug. 13, 2007, xkcd)

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Gerald Ford of the Vatican

"Isn't the Pope just a figurehead without much power, sort of the Gerald Ford of the Vatican?"
(Oct. 23, 2006, Livejournal)

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Alfred Hitchcock of the skin care world

"Self tanners are like the Alfred Hitchcock of the skin care world: they are very popular, yet they work in mysterious ways. However, recently, I decided to uncover the secrets of the self tanner, and I thought that it might be interesting to share."
(April 21, 2008, FutureDerm)

Saturday, September 19, 2009

The John and Paul of debt relief

"I was open-mouthed as Bono emoted about Africa to a backdrop of moving music and atmospheric lighting at Live8. Maybe it wasn't, but it just looked so stunningly insincere, cynical and egotistical. All these pop refenences are particularly annoying: Blair and Brown are the John and Paul of debt relief, this idea is more hip-hop than indie. It's not just patronising, it's embarassing enough to make you squirm."
(May 22, 2006, Guardian)

Friday, September 18, 2009

The Diana Ross of coffee cakes

"The Diana Ross of coffee cakes
It started with a vision, based on the butternut squash ravioli my friend had at Volterra last week: I’d make pumpkin bread, only instead of using regular oil (or pecan oil, which I considered but then dismissed for cost purposes), I’d use brown butter infused with sage. I’d fold toasted pecans into the batter, and each bite would be ravioli-inspired bliss. A breakfast of champions."
(Nov. 7, 2007, Hogwash)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Beyonce of small town France

"That being said, all the single ladies, get on over to France. Not only will you have pleasant discourse with French guys who ski and speak English, but your blue eyes and straight white teeth will be admired all over the country. Consider yourself the Beyonce of small town France. No Jay-Z necessary."
(Feb. 12, 2009, A-broader View)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Count Chocula of shuffleboard

"2007 – Unconfirmed reports suggest Cruise is the Jesus of Scientology. Less widely reported is news that Tom Arnold is the Count Chocula of shuffleboard. No one knows what the fuck that means either."
(Sept. 8, 2009, Ian Fortey, FunnyCrave)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Dr. Doom of the NBA

"Anyone who follows the Bulls will tell you that the team’s biggest and most immediate offseason concern is what to do with Ben Gordon: Re-sign him…or let him moonwalk out of town? The main problem is that, to avoid the dreaded luxury tax — the Dr. Doom of the NBA – John Paxson probably won’t be able to retain Gordan and keep everybody on the current roster."
(May 5, 2009, Matt McHale, By the Horns)

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Mick Jagger of economic sectors

"Manufacturing is the Mick Jagger of economic sectors -- sexy for being decidedly unsexy. Almost everyone wants to see more manufacturing, especially if the products being manufactured are either 'green' or 'high tech.'"
(Aug. 24, 2009, Joe Weisenthal, The Business Insider)

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The RuPaul of NHL bottom feeders

"Talk about a matchup of second half fire-breathers. Vancouver was able to steal the division from Calgary. St. Louis was the RuPaul of NHL bottom feeders and then skyrocketed into 6th place. I don't much care for the Canucks at all to be quite frank. That being said..."
(April 28, 2009, Admiral Rusty T. Shackleford, DDS)

Friday, September 11, 2009

The Mel Gibson of canines

"Pugsley had his Senior Wellness checkup this weekend and I'm happy to report the Dr. said he is healthy as can be with a very strong heart. As we waited to be seen Pugsley wooed everyone in the waiting room by performing tricks like High Fives and Play Deads. He will do anything for attention and boy does he know how to get it. He is the Mel Gibson of canines. One lady gave him a treat from a jar on the counter, another one gave him belly rubs and kisses, and the receptionist gave him a free toy. It's amazing the way he can work a room. I swear he must have been a Playboy in a former life."
(April 17, 2005, Pugsplace)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Yogi Berra of physicists

"A month later and Google around $260. Allows one to better analyze the above comments. As Neils Bohr, the Yogi Berra of physicists, said, 'It’s difficult to predict things, especially the future.'"
(Nov. 22, 2008, TechCrunch)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Posh Spice of fishies

"One of my fishies is bulimic. Everything it eats it immediately spits out again. It is a skinny little fish and I can see its bones (and its intestinal tract, and some other organs too!). Its fins are all ratty-looking. It's on its last legs (... fins) but it's been this way for about three months now. It is the Posh Spice of fishies, but without the breast implants or squeaky-voiced football-player."
(July 28, 2006, Very Nice Things)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Marge Simpson of junkie retro soul

"(Is there a TMZ video of anyone else arranging her hair in public? Winehouse is the Marge Simpson of junkie retro soul.)"
(March 3, 2008, Sasha Frere-Jones, New Yorker)

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Diablo Cody of pastry chefs

"Dahlia Jurgensen the Diablo Cody of Pastry Chefs"
(May 27, 2009,

Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Archie Bunker of mixed martial arts

"Don Frye is like the Archie Bunker of MMA. Gotta love that guy!"
(July 23, 2009, Cage Potato)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

The Keanu Reeves of meat parts

"I confess I felt a giant EWWW, which is somewhat hypocritical, for I do not scruple to cook me up a pig loin. But the loins are so much less…expressive. They’re like the Keanu Reeves of meat parts. And that’s the way it has to be, I do not want my meat trying to emote, or express, or nail the scene. The scene in which they look at me from their frozen plastic baggie with such horror. Actually, not horror as much as…surprise and disappointment. 'Why did you do it? Why? Did I not snuffle enough truffles?'"
(Jan. 8, 2009, Mango Hedgehog)

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Darth Vader of the entire insect world

"And what an Ant! The Darth Vader of the entire insect world, Cephalotes atratus, inhabits the canopy of the tropical forest systems of Central and South America. That’s a long way up and if an ant was to fall it would lead to almost certain death on the floor of the forest. Either that or a trip that would make The Incredible Journey look like a walk in the park, but one which would probably be impossible due to the lack of chemical trails to guide the ant back home."
(April 15, 2009, Webphemera)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Jack Kevorkian of houseplants

"Every plant I touch winds up dead. I’m the Jack Kervorkian of houseplants. I’m equally deadly to outdoor plants but outdoor plants have a distinct advantage in that sometimes Mother Nature steps in and gives them a fighting chance. All that being said, I love to cook and have always had this (insane) idea that I need to start an herb garden. Nothing fancy, just the basics. I have two additional things working against me – I live in a Northern climate and I have two cats that I swear have pica. Really it’s just the older one, but I think he’s teaching the new kitten to eat non-food things. Like velcro. :: stare :: So I need something that will fit on a windowsill."
(March 15, 2009, Frick on a Stick)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Poochie of health insurance

"Tonik is the rad, x-treme! lifestyle health insurance for young people who can't afford regular insurance—sort of the Poochie of health insurance, except it's not going to go away. Aasma wrote to us to let us know that when she signed up for it over the weekend, she got a nasty surprise after she submitted her credit card information."
(Oct. 13, 2008, Chris Walters, The Consumerist)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Ellen Pompeo of amiable but sulky male leads

"Like 'Grey's,' the series begins with a moody voiceover, this one delivered by Ron Livingston, the Ellen Pompeo of amiable but sulky male leads: 'Being an astronaut is all about control. From the walk to the launchpad to the final touchdown, you don't want surprises.' Doesn't that sound just like Mer, our favorite spewer of sweeping emotional generalities?"
(July 30, 2009, Heather Havrilesky, Salon)

Monday, August 31, 2009

The David Ortiz of the Phish catalog

"A nice Ghost, that was funky, spacey, jazzy and straight ahead rock and roll all in the span of 14 minutes, followed and the first set closed with an Antelope that was solid but never quite kicked into high gear. Something about this song still seems to be missing a little bit. Always enjoyable but not quite the monster it once was. Perhaps it is the David Ortiz of the Phish catalog – always respected and revered even if unable to reach quite the same heights."
(June 10, 2009, Luke Sacks, Hidden Track)

Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Phil Jackson of the kitchen

"Chef Lou was like the Phil Jackson of the kitchen, imploring me to relax. Apparently, I was gritting my teeth and holding lettuce in a death grip. At home I empty the lettuce mixture from the bag into a bowl and in the words of Chef Emeril 'Bam!'"
(May 5, 2005, Paid to Party)

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Timothy Leary of cocker spaniels

"The Timothy Leary of Cocker Spaniels"
(Oct. 24, 2006, MySpace)

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Bunny Lebowski of the Atlanta architecture scene

"By the way, he seems like the Bunny Lebowski of the Atlanta architecture scene because I know someone else that has had difficulty getting money from this guy."
(March 9, 2005, Archinect)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Joe the Plumber of quantum physicists

"Reading Machos impotent potshots is like peering into The Mind of the Everyman. He's like the Joe the Plumber of Quantum Physicists. No, really!"
(May 21, 2009, Althouse)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Marvin the Martian of hummingbirds

"He's like the Marvin the Martian of hummingbirds."
(June 6, 2005, Flickr)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Dick Clark of bus drivers

"She must be the Dick Clark of bus drivers; she doesn't look a day over 40."
(Oct. 29, 2007, St. Petersburg Times)

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Miss Piggy of dogs

"Anyone who knows Gerda knows that she’s the Miss Piggy of dogs, completely self-absorbed. Her beliefs are simple: pay attention to her, pet her, pet her more. For her to suddenly enjoy Theo’s company means only one thing—there’s something in it for her. Indeed, as soon as he started spitting up yummy milk and solid food, she became his personal groomer. Theo loves the slobber, and it has certainly brought them closer together."
(July 18, 2007, Chompers)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Ted Bundy of mom-lebrity

"Samantha Harris is the Ted Bundy of Mom-lebrity"
(June 30, 2007, Whit Honea, Babble)

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Vic Mackey of NBA officials

"The Vic Mackey of NBA officials (main character on FX's 'The Shield'), Joey Crawford, has been suspended indefinetly for his role in the ejection of Tim Duncan during the Spurs-Mavericks game this past weekend."
(April 17, 2007, NBA Blog)

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Laverne and Shirley of (adolescent) man-made media sexpots

"Hot on the heels of Weird Science, a team of washed up television executives met up over martinis to discuss female robot shows to fill the coveted 1 - 1:30PM time slot usually occupied by Press Your Luck and Matlock reruns. Two bottles of Beefeater later, the boob tube was ready to get it’s own robotic Real Doll. Kelly LeBrock and Tiffany Brissette were about to take the world by storm as the Laverne and Shirley of (adolescent) Man-Made media sexpots."
(May 13, 2008, So So Robot)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Whitney Houston of cheese sandwiches

"White or yellow cheese? On a plate or in a bag? Triangles or squares? Cold or hot? My son is the Whitney Houston of cheese sandwiches."
(July 20, 2009, Wry Redhead, Twitter)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Megan Fox of deep-fried products at the rodeo

"Deep-fried Oreos are the Megan Fox of deep-fried products at the Rodeo. At once decadent and comely, they are in the end filthy and shameful. I visited a trailer with an actual Oreo sign on top. I figured I couldn't go wrong with a sanctioned dealer. I wasn't going to screw around with some amateur putting store-brand cookies in a vat of pancake batter."
(March 4, 2009, Craig Hlavaty, Eating Our Words)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Dexter Morgan of bowling

"(Even though he's the douche who murdered Silhouette, I like him a lot. I think of him as the Dexter Morgan of bowling. The Harry in his life probably told him that it's only okay to kill pin boys, because they sabotage the lanes and try to throw games.)"
(March 24, 2009, Livejournal)

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Marv Albert of the avian world

"Yeah... he kind of looks like the Marv Albert of the Avian world."
(Jan. 18, 2009, Flickr)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Michael Jordan of nippage

"The lady who was once regarded as the hottest chick on the planet has just died. Farrah Fawcett passed away this morning after struggling with booty cancer. She innovated the art of nippin-out. She’s the Michael Jordan of nippage. Let’s have a moment of silence for her gigantic, legendary nipples."
(June 25, 2009,

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Francis Ford Coppola of the weed game

"Under the broad comedy heading, "I just finished a film called 'High School,' which for me is really, really fun. I play the deranged marijuana dealer. I describe him as the Francis Ford Coppola of the weed game," says Brody — who is currently being seen as 1950s-'60s rock 'n' roll and R&B record label owner Leonard Chess in the musically irresistible 'Cadillac Records.'"
(2008, Marilyn Beck & Stacy Jenel Smith, Hollywood Exclusive)

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Beavis and Butthead of martial arts

"These two may just end up becoming the Beavis and Butthead of martial arts before they're finished."
(Aug. 22, 2008, The Weekly Vice)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Mayor McCheese of douchebags

"Christain Bale...The Mayor McCheese of Douchebags"
(May 23, 2009, Green Lantern/Green Arrow Guide to Revolutionary Heroism)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Jon and Kate of the DC Universe

"Ah yes, Diana and Ching; the Jon and Kate of the DC Universe."
(June 13, 2009, The Absorbacon)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Kim Kardashian of hair

"I just feel like the Kim Kardashian of hair. People know about me (my hair) but I have no idea why when there are more well-known hair 'celebrities' out there. Every time I do a feature, receive a PM, Fotki comment I just thing 'why'? Maybe I am still battling a form of hair anorexia. :-."
(June 8, 2009, I Lie to My Diary)

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Dwyane Wade of economists

"Robert Samuelson is a top economist who gets a wide audience, mostly due to his Newsweek column. I find him to be the most consistently politically-neutral economist around, think of him as the Dwyane Wade of economists; talented, hard-working and responsible. You get the sense that he goes wherever the data leads him."
(Jan. 19, 2009, 2 Think Good)

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Clark Kent of crapping at work

"I am the clark kent of crapping at work. If I’m taking a dump and someone who obviously doesn’t follow my rule above comes in and starts crapping, I’ll wait him out. He will come and go, and I may learn his identity when he leaves but he’ll never learn mine unless he remembers my shoes. Oh hey Bob from accounting, nice splatter echo. Glad you could share that. Never talk to me again. I’ve had guys try to wait me out, but they didn’t know who they were dealing with. They are clearly outmatched. I will die on that toilet if necessary. The longest I’ve ever had to wait is 35 minutes and there was a sports section in there to pass the time. I realize that I could possibly run into a string of several crappers in a row and spend days in the john, but I haven’t had to yet."
(July 14, 2009, Today at Work)