Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Bilbo Baggins of squatchery in British Columbia


The Bilbo Baggins of squatchery in BC. A wealth of knowledge and anecdotes! Stacks of books and tapes with emails flying everywhere. The phone never stops at his place 'I ain't lying!'"
(May 13, 2006, Bigfoot Forums)

Friday, January 30, 2009

The Dr. McCoy of stupid

"Damn, she's like the Dr. McCoy of stupid."
(Feb. 26, 2008, Democratic Underground)

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Elizabeth Taylor of atoms

"The 'hydrogen economy' has never materialized for a good reason. Hydrogen is basically what you might call the 'Elizabeth Taylor of atoms,' i.e., it is always married to something else. While it is true that one can 'extract' hydrogen from water, the ugly truth is that IT TAKES ENERGY to 'divorce' the hydrogen from whatever it is 'married' to. So much so, in fact, that if every car on the roads in the US was currently powered by hydrogen instead of gasoline and/or diesel fuel, we would in fact be MORE dependent on foreign oil than we already are. Essentially, there is no free lunch. The idea of a bunch of motor vehicles carrying around compressed hydrogen in their fuel tanks sort of smacks of a bunch of potential rubber tired Hindenburgs, too, which isn't exactly an attractive proposition."
(June 8, 2008,

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Dan Marino of bath-time

"Miranda actually came up with a good analogy. She thinks I’m the Dan Marino of bath-time, i.e. I’m great at what I do, but I’m missing that one big component. For Marino it was the Super Bowl; for me it is bathing my daughter."
(May 25, 2007, The Daily Daddy Blog)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Odin of free software

"For me YOU are saving the world since you are so personally committed to free software. I know RS (yes the church of emacs) as well. He is the Odin of free software. Linus was pushed by Tanenbaum into his success story. Debian and all the authors willing to share their work do such a great job. They shall get all the credits for their work! But you bring all the best of free software to the common world which would not know that there are alternatives."
(April 30, 2008, Mark Shuttleworth)

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Dwight Schrute of the Tacoma Bible Presbyterian church

"God’s grace in my work as a Pastoral Intern and seminarian has given me the opportunity to deliver one evening sermon a month. Usually the last Sunday of the month. I’ve had two scheduled so far, not accounting for various fill-ins while Pastor Fisher was away. This has proved a blessing. Please pray for me as I work toward becoming the Dwight Schrute of the Tacoma Bible Presbyterian church. That’s right, I’m aiming to become Assistant to the Pastor."
(Jan. 7, 2009, Jon Spach)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Lois Lane of the tundra

"Just a reminder that Caribou Barbie once planned on being the Lois Lane of the tundra:"
(Sept. 30, 2008, TBogg)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Groundskeeper Willie of international soccer

"But for weeks, I was riding atop the world. I awoke each morning with a sense of purpose, like a kid who couldn’t wait to finish his cereal and get outside to play Whiffleball in the backyard. Instead of the usual sense of dread, I looked forward to the daily trip to the local YMCA, where I would tune in the personal-sized TV atop the elliptical machine to ESPN or ESPN2 (no cable at the Rube hovel) and thrill to wondrous, hypercritical brogue of color analyst Andy Gray – the Groundskeeper Willie of international soccer."
(July 1, 2008, Unsportsmanlike Comment)

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Rachael Ray of getting wasted

"Pile as much fruit as you can into your pitcher, full of ice. Your local convenience store should at least have oranges, lemons, and limes. If you have the money (or the proximity to a grocery store) pineapples, peaches, and strawberries make a delectable mix. Pour in your entire bottle of wine. Next, mix in throw in the Brandy, Triple Sec and Grand Marnier to 'taste.' Splash in the grapefruit soda until you have the perfect blend (this is the part where you taste until you get it perfect!). Stir and Serve! ...

The Rachel Ray of getting wasted!!"
(June 19, 2008, The Second Glass)

The Keith Richards of the Chihuahua-model scene

"I like to think of myself as the Keith Richards of the Chihuahua-model scene."
(Nov. 10, 2005, Jellyfish Online)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The William Shakespeare of sticker activity book writing

"Each Lyric Language DVD clamshell comes with a 70-minute DVD and companion CD with the same twenty-one songs. We have not seen the sticker activity books that are new this fall, but we can say with confidence that even the William Shakespeare of sticker activity book writing could not save these videos."
(Sept. 11, 2007, Z Recommends)

The Michael Phelps of balloon angioplasty

"UCSF Medical Center has been named the Michael Phelps of balloon angioplasty, ranking as the fastest hospital nationwide to treat heart attack patients using this procedure to open up a clogged artery supplying blood to the heart."
(Jan. 9, 2009, Bei Hu, Synapse)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Sherlock Holmes of the chicken yard

"This is hilariously CUTE!! I love his little coat, looks like the Sherlock Holmes of the chicken yard!"
(Nov. 21, 2008, Sassy and Sweet)

The Shaquille O'Neal of bacteria

"Cornell researchers are studying bacterium big enough to see -- the Shaquille O'Neal of bacteria. Well, perhaps not quite Shaquille O'Neal. But it is Shaq-teria.

The secret to an unusual bacterium's massive size -- it's the size of a grain of salt, or a million times bigger than E. coli bacteria, and big enough to see with the naked eye -- may be found in its ability to copy its genome tens of thousands of times.
(May 13, 2008, Science Daily)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Toucan Sam of sex fetishes

"After that entry was first posted, I figured it would be met with disgust and I would be known forever as the 'Toucan Sam of sex fetishes', but I was wrong. Girls gave me the benefit of the doubt and actually laughed! Same with the 'shocker' entry. Wow."
(March 14, 2005, knohow's Xanga Site)

The Kevin Bacon of big screen science fiction

"We've previously told you how Escape from New York is practically the Kevin Bacon of big screen science fiction with all its six degrees of separation. Well, David Cronenberg's The Fly is another nexus of scifi connections, although this time they're directorial and behind-the-scenes."
(Oct. 22, 2008, Alex Zalben, SciFi Scanner)

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Vladimir Putin of daytime TV

"Conflict Resolution: Kelly has been tested against Clay Aiken and even Rosie O’Donnell (the Vladimir Putin of daytime TV). Moreover, anyone who's sat opposite Howie Mandell for a whole hour is not likely to be creeped out by Kim Jong Il or Mahmud Ahmadinejad ; Sarah is an unknown quantity."
(Aug. 30, 2008, Conservatives for Obama)

The Fiona Apple of the welterweight division

"Questions about St. Pierre's commitment to the sport quickly swirled, and he was suddenly cast as the Fiona Apple of the welterweight division -- a perception that could not stand up to reality as St. Pierre silenced his critics with a thorough dismantling of Josh Koscheck."
(Dec. 28, 2007, Tomas Rios, Sherdog)

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Doogie Howser of nuclear criticality safety

"Over bloody marys one afternoon, one of my most brilliant and objective friends (he’s the Doogie Howser of Nuclear Criticality Safety) challenged me to read a thought experiment called 'God’s Debris' by Scott Adams, author of the Dilbert comic strip."
(Dec. 30, 2007, Slowtimer)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Jack Bauer of cookbook writing

"When you're the Jack Bauer of cookbook writing, there is no rest for the weary."
(Sept. 25, 2008, Michael Ruhlman: Notes from the Food World)

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Simon Le Bon of the Pasadena chess scene

"I’m the Simon Le Bon of the Pasadena chess scene?
No way. You're the Nick Rhodes. I'm Simon Lebon."
(July 29, 2006, The Mismaze)

The Minnie Mouse of the pentagon

"I just watched Gates, the Minnie Mouse of the pentagon, announce the American surrender.
It looked like he was channeling Chamberlain. Should there be a pool on which country is next?
It looks like Puttie was correct, this administration has no balls atall.
Well, we will pay. And pay and pay.
A minor engagement involving a few hundred Special ops guys and a 100 or so combat aircraft will now end up as a large scale conventional war in another decade or so. 1938 all over again."
(Aug. 14, 2008, Belmont Club)

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Dick Cheney of writing instruments

"I will not be complying with this demand. I’m done with Number 2 pencils. A lot of people don’t know this because it happened so long ago, but number 2 pencils totally usurped all the power from Number 1 pencils before it was their turn. Number 2 pencils didn’t care how many pencils they had to step on and break to get to the top. And they’ve outlasted their welcome. I think of them as the Dick Cheney of writing instruments. Number 2 pencils have left a wake of death, destruction and pencil shavings for the next pencils to clean up. I’ll leave this story for another time."
(Dec. 4, 2008, diggityK)

The Wile E. Coyote of emotional trauma

"Hannelore, man, I don't know what the deal with her is. Well, I guess I do, it's just very wordy and complicated. For one thing, she's extremely fun to write. I can get away with just being incredibly cruel to her, but she's got this inner core of hope and resiliency that allows her to bounce back into shape -- she's the Wile E. Coyote of emotional trauma, I guess. I've got obsessive-compulsive disorder myself (nowhere near as bad as her, but enough that it is sometimes a problem) and so I can use some of my own tics and experiences to flesh out her problems."
(July 17, 2008, Jeph Jacques, ComicMix)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Bob Barker of neutering humans

"Who wants to reinvent the wheel?

Apple does. Steve Jobs should take note of these failures of technology.

I will keep my anti apple rantings quick and to the point this time. In file navigation, enter does not execute a file, instead it renames it.

hitting the 1 delete key (backspace, according to the PC) will not delete a file. In fact, it wont do anything.

Having a mac with dual screens is a complete pain in the ass, because the menu bar is permanently affixed to your main screen. I love that feature.

Programs that require a right click are inoperable on a mac laptop without an external mouse

woo are they speedy. Keep bouncing firefox, iv got 30 seconds to kill while you think about starting up.

Finally, Steve Jobs is the bob barker of neutering humans. With his "roast your nuts" feature on his laptops, he is sure to render the male reproductive organ, inoperable.

And god damn you stupid magnetic power plug. I am about to duck tape it in place if it pops off again."
(Dec. 5, 2007, Livejournal)

The Michael Jackson of postconflict reconstruction

"'Ashdown's a celebrity. He's the Michael Jackson of postconflict reconstruction,' says Williams. 'He was going to raise the profile of Afghanistan. Karzai was afraid he would be too powerful. So the Afghans shot themselves in the foot. Paddy Ashdown was the best chance to get someone with the right personality to get all the players into the same ring.'"
(Feb. 6, 2008, Christian Science Monitor)

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Lord Voldemort of the punctuation world

"The semi-colon is the Lord Voldemort of the punctuation world."
(July 20, 2008, Livejournal)

The Plaxico Burress of soccer moms

"Dude, did you miss the part where carrying a loaded weapon hurt her BABYSITTING BUSINESS? Because apparently there are freedom hating parents out there who would rather not have their little tykes spending a lot of time with the Plaxico Burress of soccer moms."
(Dec. 1, 2008, Philadelphia Will Do)

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Martha Stewart of bongs

"I know how to make one from a tampon applicator. Now that's female intuition!

Tommy Chong: The Martha Stewart of Bongs. Such a waste of tax money. ITA.

Wonder if Rush will get off with just a slap for his druggy indiscretions.

We shall see..."
(Oct. 11, 2003, MotheringDotCommunity Forums)

The Sean Connery of oil pigments

"I've laid in the major values in a transparent wash of Payne's Grey. The name Payne's Grey is a total lie as any person with eyes can see it's blue. But it's such an understated, elegant blue, it's like a sexy older gentleman dressed in a very fine suit and sipping an exquisite vintage of whisky. Payne's Grey is the Sean Connery of oil pigments."
(Dec. 26, 2008, Life Spatula)

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Larry “Bud” Melman of the financial markets

"The tape does not abide — shares are off 6% as the Amex Broker/Dealer Index loses 3.6%. Alan Greenspan, whose ubiquitousness is quickly making him the Larry 'Bud' Melman of the financial markets, is back out on the circuit, saying home prices will fall further. Which we’re sure also makes everybody feel wonderful."
(Oct. 25, 2007,

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Sharon Stone of bras

"Last night, three-quarters of the Sex and the City chicks were at the DVD launch of the movie. SJP wore a dress that looked like a baby had puked on or someone drooled and it dried up. Cynthia looked great, as usual. Kim Catrell, who usually doesn't appeal to me at all, looked the best. For her age, holy smokes. She did, however, forget to button up her shirt. That looks like a Gap bra I have. Is she the Sharon Stone of bras?"
(Sept. 19, 2008, Joan and Melissa)

Friday, January 9, 2009

The Gary Coleman of normal-sized white men

"Dustin Diamond probably resents Saved By The Bell a little bit - he knows in his heart of hearts that the first thing the paramedics will say after they’ve failed to resuscitate his elderly body several years into the future is 'Hey, that’s Screech from Saved By The Bell. Truly he was the Gary Coleman of normal-sized white men,' - but that would be doing the show a great disservice."
(July 25, 2008, Hecklerspray)

The Fred Flintstone of the narcotics interdiction biz

"Diesel is one of those less-than-meets-the-eye actors who goes increasingly out of focus the more the camera fixates on him. Armed with muddy enunciation and a dull glare that bespeaks badass catalepsy, he doesn't seem capable of more than two levels: sulk and smash. He's supposed to come off as the Fred Flintstone of the narcotics interdiction biz, an average Joe Widower whose undercover work seemingly necessitates close proximity to strippers (all lovingly photographed) -- but who bristles when a girl offers him a lap dance."
(April 2, 2003, Scott Brown, Entertainment Weekly)

The Buster Bluth of the Bush regime

"Great, a confession by the Buster Bluth of the Bush Regime."
(May 28, 2008, The Poor Man Institute)

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Gabe Kaplan of fictional chest hair

"man this takes me back to my childhood. i used to love paul bunyan and that whole magical tree area but it took me until just now to realize that he’s the gabe kaplan of fictional chest hair!"
(Nov. 26, 2007, Iron Fist)

The Kate Winslet of trees

"This is at the entrance to Cobble Hill Park. Impeccably smooth, full, rounded blossoms on a curvaceously rounded tree. The Kate Winslet of trees."
(April 21, 2008, 66 Square Feet)

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Stan Lee of direct to video schlock flicks

"When I was a kid I got a lifetime membership in the Full Moon Fan Club. It came with a little membership card, a quarterly catalogue, a tee-shirt, and a free tour of the Full Moon Studios that I never took. I liked the mystique of the company, the cheerfully goofy nature of the movies, and I like the way that Charles Band is sort of the Stan Lee of direct to video schlock flicks. At the end of all his old VHS movies there would be a little video of Band thanking you for watching his movies and telling you what projects were currently being developed. You didn't feel like you were just watching one silly movie, but that you were part of a little community. Check out his blog here."
(Nov. 16, 2008, Creature Cast)

The Carmen Electra of the breakfast world

"Hmmmm. Chocolate chip, blueberry, cinnamon. Or just butter and syrup. Pancakes are the Carmen Electra of the breakfast world: They look so good all the time."
(Feb. 6, 2008, Jara Anton, Chicago Free Times)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Thomas Jefferson of squirrels

"Laugh all you want... I'm the one goin' down in history as the Thomas Jefferson of squirrels."

The Mr. T of skin

"and! I'm a total tool because there was this awesome dirt cheap microdermabrasion kit on sale and I wanted it so badly. My skin is the Mr T of skin in that it doesn't look that attractive but it can about handle anything thrown its way, so I'm alll aboutn the sanding it down until it shines, motherfucker."
(July 6, 2007, aibiffity)

Monday, January 5, 2009

The Courtney Love of yards

"In case I haven't mentioned it yet, you need to know that my new yard is thrashed. Seriously. It is the Courtney Love of yards. This is likely the result of the yard being completely ignored for a year. Oh, sure, there were yard guys that mowed every couple of weeks, but no one watered the grass or maintained the beds. I've got vines resembling kudzu choking my shrubs, and one vine-covered trellis fell over and just about killed one of my boxwoods. There are, like, four different types of grass, and the only one growing or green is the crabgrass. To top it off, when the mortgage company drained my septic tank and replaced the biomat the week before we closed on the house, they covered over it with gravel. So now I have a little gravel pit in the middle of my backyard. Awesome."
(Aug. 25, 2005, Centinel)

The Sonny Bono of currencies

"Bribes buy up things like trillions of dollars in bad credit, as the dollar races down its slope, the Sonny Bono of currencies."
(Aug. 25, 2008, Mondoweiss)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Miles Davis of crying

"I am the Miles Davis of Crying

On Saturday, I sat down at a coffee shop to write an email to someone and ended up writing a story instead. 'It'll End in Tears' is a story on today's Morning News about this staggering news week and my staggering ability to process most everything through my tear ducts."
(Sept. 3, 2008, Sarah Hepola)

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Rosa Parks of marble memorial bus stops

"Have a seat … but not in the back! You are the Rosa Parks of marble memorial bus stops."
(Dec. 30, 2008, Wonkette)

The Jenna Jameson of chart patterns

"Since you are reading this blog online, the best way to explain it is that Island-reversal formations are the Jenna Jameson of chart patterns. And by that I mean the Jenna from 10 years ago, not the old-and-busted anorexic Jenna from now. Hope that gives ya some good perspective."
(Jan. 10, 2008, Troy Peterson, Peterson Cleaning)

Friday, January 2, 2009

The Sylvia Plath of scatological science fiction

"Brava, madam! Brava!

You are the Sylvia Plath of scatological science fiction! The Emily Bronte of le blagues sur le pénis, if you will.

I say again: Brava! Bravissimo!"
(Nov. 3, 2008, i fight robots)

The Little Richard of understatement

"Mark Knopfler is the Little Richard of understatement. Like Lucinda Williams, his singing sounds effortless, and spot on for every song. He does not overdo."
(Sept. 24, 2008,
Southern Ledger)

Thursday, January 1, 2009

The Stephen Hawking of the Smurf village

"Donkey Kong is just excited because he's never seen a wounded albino Smurf before. Dig Dug told him about one once, but Kong didn't believe him. He just chalked it up to Dig Dug's drinking.

Brainy (or Braineleh to his parents) has faced many challenges in life. Sure, being inside most of his life avoiding the sun's deadly rays has protected him from Gargamel, but at what price? Being the Stephen Hawking of the Smurf village may buy him prestige, but it doesn't buy happiness. He had this worked out in a mathematical theorem, but Kong ate it."
(May 8, 2008, Frank Talk)

The Mike Tyson of evangelical publishing

"Meanwhile, I don’t suppose I’m missing out on a lot of sales to readers of World, which I once described as 'an angry, fierce magazine with a hard-to-believe veneer of sweetness — the Mike Tyson of evangelical publishing.' But in the spirit of interfaith dialogue, I’ll nonetheless offer a few corrections in the same gentle spirit in which Marvin teases that I 'yearn for dominating power.' Hmm. Actually, that’s kind of kinky."
(Sept. 7, 2008, Bene Diction Blogs On)